This week I got a letter from a teeny bopper, who just can’t seem to “She Bop,” if you know what I mean. She wrote:
I’m 19, have never had a boyfriend, and am still a virgin. I’m not coming to you for relationship advice; the way I see it I don’t need a man right now. The thing is, as I’m sure you know, sex dominates culture. Just because I’ve never done it doesn’t mean I haven’t heard stories, and it’s made me pretty damn horny. I’m kind of curious about masturbation, but I feel like I’m just doing it wrong. Nothing seems to really get me there. Do you have advice for a beginner like me?
Well, honey, even a ho like me will tell you that there’s no rush to lose your virginity — especially if you’ haven’t orgasmed on your own first! Lettin’ some dude sock it to you before you know how to get off isn’t gonna do it for ya. No man is that good. You’ve got to take your O into your own hands! You’ve got to solve, or rather diddle, your own ecstasy riddle. So, all that work you’ve been doing feeling around down there, even if it hasn’t finished the job, is a good start! Now here’s how you can take yourself all the way home.Masturbation can be really frustrating if you’re having trouble bringing yourself to the big bang. First things first, set the mood. Think about sexy things, imagine yourself in sexy situations. As for me, I like to put a porno on mute or thumb through some naked photos and turn on some hot jams. Just like sex with someone else, you’ve got to seduce yourself. Your brain is your biggest erogenous zone.
Now, the good news is that every woman can get off without even getting entered, thanks to the clitoris. Luckily, we live in a day and age where you don’t need to rely on your fingers alone. Technology has been developed to do it for you. Whew! Since you likely still have your hymen, I assume you don’t want to lose it to a dildo. So, avoid any vibrators that look like fake penises. Go with a good ol’ clitoris vibrator like this handy-dandy battery-operated stimulator. That should do it to it, it being your clit.
If you want to stay lo-fi and battery-free try this old trick— your bathtub faucet. Turn on the water first; make sure the temp is lukewarm — not hot, at all. Your lady bits are extra sensitive to temp, so even colder water will do here. Then, get in the tub, lie on your back, put your butt right up against the tub, open your legs. The faucet should flow directly at your vag, you might have to move around a bit to get it to hit your hot spot. This method can take a while, but at least you’re not doing the work! Again, they key to orgasming is to just relax … it’ll happen, promise.
Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor; I just play one on the internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…