Shiantology? We Propose Some Other Celebrity Religions.
And on the seventh day, they created Shiantology. That’s right, a group of fans has founded a religion based on Shia LaBeouf. Their mission statement says:
“Characterized by a belief in the power of Shia’s spirit to clear itself of past painful experiences (in particular, hand smashing, car crashes, and drunken outbursts in Walgreens) through self-knowledge, spiritual fulfillment and copious amounts of Arizona Ice Tea. Shiantology places an emphasis upon Shia’s immortal spirit, Shiacarnation, an extrascientific method of pshiachotherapy (Shianetics), and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, daily SHIA WALKING POSTS.”
And if that weren’t amazing enough, check out their Shiart collection of Shia’s mug in place of religious icons. [Shiantology]
Amazing. This has inspired us to come up with some new celebrity-based religions.
- Jolism: Believe in the power of Angelina Jolie and her ability to make everyone else feel inadequate for not having a movie career, working with the UN, raising our own personal UN, being married to the most famous man in Hollywood, and making time to look beautiful. This is the mean girl’s religion cause. By joining, you have to pledge to leave America’s sweethearts in the dust in order to effectively worship. You’ve reached Jolistic nirvana when your arms resemble Skeletor and you can still carry at least two babies of different nationalities, while not breaking the vial of your boyfriend’s blood around your neck.
- Opraisiastic: It’s no secret that Oprah Winfrey already runs the world and already has a giant congregation of followers. Many women might not even realize they are Opraisiastic. They read the books in her book club and buy those berries from the Amazon to lose weight—it’s almost a full-time endeavor to keep up with everything Oprah has endorsed. Convert, start book clubs, go on weight loss pacts with the others, then invite them to a giant dinner party, and start the cycle over again next week.
- Kanyanity: Kanye West might already see himself as a god, so maybe there’s something to it? He’s like frickin’ Nostradamus—he’s already got 2012 planned while we’re lazying around in 2009. Nobody questioned him when he started wearing shutter shades and rocking a frullet. Why? Because we know it’s Kanye that will bring us into the future. The future would already be here if we’d all became Kanyannites years ago. We’d all be living on space ships, eating Dippin’ Dots.
- Marthatology: I’ve been worshiping Martha Stewart since birth, but my mother is a practicing Marthatologist, so it only made sense that I would be confirmed and dedicate myself to a life of hosting elaborate dinner parties, canning seasonal fruits and vegetables, and making my roommates lift their legs so I can vacuum under them. As a Marthatologist, you can’t take yourself too seriously, even though you maintain a constant, obsessive perfectionism, and should you cross paths with Snoop Dog, you will compare, posses, and exchange friendly emails.
- Cruistianity: Sure, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are Scientologists, but out of crazy is born brilliance and Suri Cruise is the next coming of the messiah. She’ll possess all the power in Hollywood but will use it for good, bringing nations together, uniting rich and poor, scorning her father who will try to trap her with the shackles of Scientology. Surian Cruistians will rule with peace, acceptance, and miniature Burberry dresses. They will appreciate earth’s mysteries, like bubbles and puppies.
- Deppology: Johnny Depp hasn’t aged in over 20 years. He’s like Dorian Gray, the eternal man-child. How do we capture his glory? How can we become more like Johnny Depp, we ask ourselves? Well, we can’t. That’s why we have to worship. To be a true Deppologist, you must move to France, and since he’s remained relatively chaste by not marrying his girlfriend of 10 years, Vanessa Paradis, you must devote yourself to him, as well. And when thousands have entered the symbolic marriage with him, we will wear nun habits and experience immaculate conceptions that lead to beautiful Depp babies.