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Adventures In Dating Ultra Hairy Guys

Yesterday, we assaulted your eyes showed you a vomtastic advertisement waxed into a guy’s back hair. For some reason, this ad kind of reminded me of my parents. My dad is super hairy and I have no clue how my mom handles it. Whenever he takes off his shirt, I make fun of him and my mom always defends herself saying that when they got married, my dad wasn’t nearly as hairy. Because my dad’s natural sweater is so icky to me, I remember vowing as a child that I would never date anyone hairy. But since those days, I can’t say that I’ve been faithful to my younger self. I’ve dabbled with the hairless and the cavemen and I can genuinely say that I don’t prefer one to the other. As long as all the hair is tamed, I can deal. Sure, we here at The Frisky kind of dig hairy-chested men. But my friends have some pretty convincing stories as to why I should avoid hairy dudes at all costs.Here are some of my favorites, many of which seem to involve men from overseas:

“The first person I slept with in college was a hippie named Tim who played the didgeridoo. After we did it, we hung out, talking in the dark. At one point I asked Tim, ‘Oh, what’s your back tattoo of?’ And Tim said, ‘Back Tattoo? What?’ Because it was haaaaaaaair! He was totally a didgeri-don’t.”

“I dated a boy named Luke who was Sicilian. He had hair everywhere. Thick, black, Sicilian hair. Specifically, his ass was so gross that I could get fingers trapped in that business. And he had hobbit feet that were covered in hair, too! Basically, he was really lucky I was completely in love with him before I saw him totally naked.”

“I had a one-night-stand with a British guy who was super cute, but when he lost the clothes, it looked like he was wearing a bear costume that stopped at his hands and neck. The morning after, I spent two hours trying to wash his dark hairs out of my sheets. They had woven themselves in! It was terrifying.”

“There was a guy in college who I wasn’t sure I liked—his personality was great but I wasn’t very sexually attracted to him. I finally got over my picky-ness and was lying next to him in his bed one day, about to make a move. But then I noticed a lotttt of hair peeking out from the back of his jeans and also on his stomach, and it just really grossed me out. He had this really narrow body frame just covered in hair, and for some reason it made me want to gag. I know that sounds horrible…but I’m just being honest! Hairy arms and legs, okay. But fuzz all over your bod? No thanks.”

“I don’t know if I can speak to hairy men, but I can certainly speak about UNHAIRY men which can be equally frightening….I once had a one night stand with a guy who had shaved balls. Ew. Those are things that I’d rather stay covered up…not something I particularly love to look at.”

“I dated this Scottish guy for awhile who had the grossest red pillow of chest hair. We went to Lollapalooza last year and he insisted on opening his shirt to “get some sun” but there’s no way a single ray could penetrate that chest mane. And people were gawking at us! I kept trying to subtly button him back up but it was kinda embarrassing.”

“When I studied abroad in the Czech Republic, I dated an Italian man who practically had fur across his chest. He seemed to think chest hair was something to be proud of and didn’t get why Americans don’t like it so much. It’s a good thing whispering sweet nothings in Italian sounds so sexy.”

“I normally don’t hook up with beastly men, but there was one time I slept with a guy who was really conscious about his offensive body hairs and so he shaved them away. I soon learned that this left an extraordinarily sharp coat of stubble across his pectoral region, of similar resemblance to a porcupine and it may actually be worse than being teen wolf. When I woke up with rug burn in places that I shouldn’t have rug burn (i.e. the entire front side of my body), there was a problem. While it was the thought that counted, please spare me the health hazard next time.”

“I’ve gone down on a guy once or twice and he was so hairy down there that while I was doing my thing it was fine, but then when I paused to take a breath I literally found hair in my mouth. I thoroughly embarrassed him by demanding that he do some trimming. Though I felt bad, I kind of laughed on the inside because I know it just means he hasn’t been getting lucky lately.”

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