Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Chelsea Clinton’s Marriage? Jon Gosselin’s Blossoming Love?

Oh hooray! The tabloids are out! It’s a great time for celebrity news because everyone’s breaking up and then humping each other’s legs. Or they’re going on revenge diets, or falling in love all over again. It’s like the birds and the bees, but the birds have stingers, too. Ahhh, I love Hollywood.

OK! Magazine wants us to believe that Jessica Simpson is less than OK after her breakup from Tony Romo, and has commenced a “revenge diet” which has allowed her to lose 10 pounds in 10 days. A “friend” told the mag that it went something like this: “Right after Tony [Romo] ended things, Jessica said, ‘I want my old body back.’ She went into her kitchen, got a trash bag and started to clear it out.” Jessica has also been working out with a celeb trainer. [Celebitchy] — Huh, that seems like a healthy breakup routine. I usually go for the revenge sex with the best friend, but maybe that’s just me?
So, Star Magazine revealed the “real story” of Jon Gosselin’s love triangle and it brims heavy with intrigue, drama, and passion. Apparently, Kate Major pulled up to the Gosselin home and when Jon’s bodyguard asked her to move her car, she said she was a reporter who’d “like to meet John.” To which the bodyguard said, “I bet he wants to meet you,” while sending a cell phone pic of her to Jon. Jon responded, “Yes! I want to talk to her.” From there, the storybook romance blossomed and Hailey Glassman was old news. [StarMagazine] — Awww modern romance.
Life & Style Magazine is reporting on Kim Kardashian’s heartbreak because, well, someone had to? The issue with her relationship with Reggie Bush was apparently the long-distance thing. He’s based in New Orleans and playing football around the country, while Kim is in Los Angeles and always globe-trotting. It was allegedly a mutual decision, but Kim thinks they can work it out over time when they’re both not so focused on their careers. But there is no lack of love. [Life&Style] — Yeah, long distance relationships suck.
This wasn’t their cover story, but there is only so much I have to say about “Fab and Flab Beach Bodies.” So instead, we’re gonna talk about the National Enquirer’s story on Chelsea Clinton’s top-secret wedding! Apparently, her people have put the word out that there is no wedding just to “confuse the media.” Guffaw, you’ll never get past us, Chels! In “reality,” the guests will show up at their local airports and be flown to a location … which is rumored to be Ted Danson’s mansion on Martha’s Vineyard. And Chelsea’s ex-boyfriend, Ian Klaus, will be the honorary maid of honor when she marries investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. [NationalEnquirer] — Sounds like a rom-com waiting to happen!