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15 Things That Are Bad For Men

Another day, another thing that’s “bad for women.” This time it’s emo vampires. Slate’s Grady Hendrix writes:

America’s young women [are] receiving troubling misinformation about the male of the species from “Twilight.” These women are going to be shocked when the sensitive, emotionally available, poetry-writing boys of their dreams expect a bit more from a sleepover than dew-eyed gazes and chaste hugs.

Whatever. Why is there always so much hand-wringing over the pop culture influences that are supposedly awful for women? What about men? I can think of plenty of pop culture trends that could be just as harmless to them. Here are 15 to start…1. “There’s Something About Mary”: Now every guy wants a sexy tomboy who throws a mean curve ball AND knows how to walk in six-inch heels. Prepare to be bitterly disappointed, boys.

2. Brody Jenner, Shia LaBeouf, John Mayer, & Ashton Kutcher: These dudes make it appear like being a tool will get you laid. Think again.

3. Tool Style: Excessive tanning, copious handfuls of hair gel, and waxing all boy parts free of hair is leading to a generation of Douche Drag Queen Hybrids. NOT SEXY.

4. Axe Commercials: These ads make men think they can get more women than they actually can. Especially with just the awesome power of their deodorant.

5. All You Can Eat Buffets: You can’t actually eat all of that. No one can. So stop trying.

6. Mantyhose, Murses, & Mirdles: Products that feminize men and/or make them stress about sucking in their guts are not the way to get back at society for putting women in high heels and corsets.

7. Fantasy Baseball/Football/Etc.: Because you still throw like a girl.

8. Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Keith Olbermann & Lawrence O’Donnell: These newsmen give regular Joes the impression that we actually want to listen to pompous windbags talk about politics.

9. “The Sopranos”/”Goodfellas”/”Scarface”: Hey stugatz! Your gangster-by-day/family-man-by-night fantasies will never be fulfilled.

10. Todd Palin: Thanks to Mr. Sarah Palin, the average guy might actually start to think he could be happy and fulfilled while married to a powerful woman. HA!

11. Las Vegas: What happens there, does not stay there, especially when he comes back with a rabid case of the herps, a hefty gambling debt, and a sudden appreciation for fake knockers.

12. Anal/Threesome/Lesbian Porn: In moderation, fabulous, have at it. But too much of this, and suddenly boyfriends around the world are saying, “But every girl I’ve ever dated [i.e. porn stars I watch on XTube] loved taking it up the butt/making out with her best friend/screwing random female bartenders.”

13. Bromances: Movies like “I Love You Man” and TV shows like “Bromance” elevate boy friendships to the same level as girl friendships and that’s just not true. Otherwise, Brad Pitt and George Clooney would be on the same menstrual cycle.

14. Ed Hardy: If Jon Gosselin isn’t proof enough, wearing this brand will demote any guy — from our own Mind of Man to Ryan Gosling — from hot to NOT.

15. Stupid Feminism: And by that we mean A) so-called feminists who make men feel guilty for enjoying their masculinity and for wanting to be chivalrous and gentlemanly, and B) male feminists who think their NOW T-shirts make them exempt from paying on a first date (if they asked).

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