Foolproof Way To Win Reality TV Love Shows: Leave!

Hey there, ladies. You want to be the last contestant standing on a reality TV looking-for-love show, right? Sure, we all do! If you want to walk away with Jason Mesnick or Brad Womack, or even Bret Michaels or Ray J, I have a new strategy for you — leave in a dramatic huff. But here’s the clincher: come back a week or two later claiming that you made a terrible mistake. No, seriously, this just worked for both Ed on “The Bachelorette,” who left because he was worried he was going to get fired from his job, and London on “Daisy Of Love,” who skipped out on the show just because he couldn’t take the heat. Here’s why this plan is so diabolical.Because when you leave, it feels like a breakup. The subject of the show, even though there are technically a dozen other folks to choose from, feels like they’ve lost someone super special—a person they have a great connection with. Over a few hours, that seed of doubt begins to grow and they think, “Oh my god. I’ve come on this show to find love. What if that was the person. And now they’re gone, and I have to go through another few weeks filming with these other morons.” Bonus points if your departure makes them cry, because that way they have to realize they have actual feelings for you.

Let these emotions fester for a week to two weeks. Then call the show’s producers saying you made the worst mistake of your life and beg to get another shot. Inevitably, they’ll say yes, because, hey, ratings. When you return, eat crow. Tell the show’s star that you couldn’t live without them, that leaving felt like pulling the rug out from under your life. Tell them that having to leave made you realize what they meant to you. Tell them you know now that you love them. These theatrics will make you seem much more serious than the other contestants because you loved and lost, and couldn’t stand living without said person. Now engage in a make-up makeout session. Since you’ve now been through an actual rough time with the show’s subject, it feels like you have an actual relationship. You are now 10 steps ahead of all the other contestants.

This plan is foolproof. You can thank me later.