Few things are more entertaining than bad date stories. Who wants to hear about hearts and flowers when flatulence and festering sores are so much more fun? Which is why when my friend Sal wanted to share what she assured me were horror stories about her recent attempts at online dating, I was ecstatic – joke material!
As I slid onto the bar stool next to her, I noticed she looked a little down. I immediately felt guilty about my initial excitement. Hmm. “What happened?” I asked.
“Nothing really,” she shrugged. It seems she’d met up with two different men and both were just meh. “I had nothing in common with either,” she complained.
“And?” I inquired.
She shot me a look. “And what?” she answered. “They were both really boring.”
Oh, Sal! While boring definitely isn’t good, dullness doesn’t even enter the realm of the awful. Bad is catching him rifling through your purse or making out with the waitress. Horrible is when you notice he’s sexting your best friend.
My buddy Rich dated a woman who believed her cats spoke to her (in English). Another friend Googled her foxy first date, only to locate him on the sex offender registry. Again, those are actual bad dates. But even those aren’t all bad—at least the result is a funny tale to tell to your friends.
Sal would not see the light. I assured her that even a boring date can usually be salvaged if you spin it the right way. “I’m done,” she insisted. “It’s too depressing.”
Though Sal proclaims herself nunnery bound, I am convinced that being a successful dater requires a glass-half-full attitude. For example:
1. The aforementioned cat-fancier Rich and I met on an online dating site. Our chemistry was so inert that he actually dozed off — and we were at a small club listening to a loud band! But at the end of the evening he said he wanted to be friends and oddly enough, he actually meant it. I didn’t get a kiss goodnight, but I did gain a pal.
2. Ladies, I think we’ve all dated the Boobwatcher ™ — haven’t we? It’s as though your chest is a pendulum, your perky orbs lulling him into a hypnotic state. The best way to deal with the Boobwatcher is to slowly start flexing your pecs as he stares. Watch his eyes grow larger as you pick up the pace. Make sure to leave before you take anyone’s eye out with a wayward nipple. Please note that this is an advanced technique and may require training and coordination.
3. If he’s not entertaining, remember that you can always amuse yourself by pretending to be a sexy foreigner, complete with an intriguing back story and faux accent. I actually dated someone for about a month who had me convinced he was a British tattoo artist. Only after we broke up did I find out he was actually from Florida with no discernible job skills, save an ear for faking an accent. I could’ve been annoyed by his deception, but because I am an optimist I just tucked his strategy away, to use myself at a later date.
If worse comes to worst and you can see no way to salvage any enjoyment out of the evening, politely excuse yourself, citing extreme lack of chemistry as the reason. He’ll probably be just as relieved as you are to put the date out of its misery. But make no mistake: A boring date does not equal a bad date.