Tabloid Cheat Sheet: A Kate And Hailey Cat Fight? Mischa’s Drug Binge?

Tabloids are kind of like elaborate ventures into fan-fiction. Basically, they watch celebrities and then pick and choose where the stories would go if they had their way. Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if these characters fell in love and had to fight for each other? Oh, this celeb is sick—let’s make it heroin! This week, Mischa Barton’s on drugs, Kate Gosselin and Jon’s new chickadee are clawing each other’s eyes out, Patrick Swayze had a heart attack (that one might be true), and Kristen Stewart is gonna sex it up to win back Robert Pattinson.

Star Magazine is reporting on the cat fight emerging between Kate Gosselin and Jon’s new girlfriend, Hailey Glassman. An insider at TLC says Kate “has no respect” for Hailey (um … why would she?) and apparently Kate has screamed, “You make me sick!” about her ex-husband’s new gal. Meanwhile, Hailey is echoing what many viewers have said, that Kate “had been putting Jon down for years … treated him like a child and tore away at his self-esteem.” Rumor has it that Hailey wants to tell Kate, “Jon never loved you.” [Star] — Hailey needs to mind her own business. She has no idea what it’s like to carry eight kids. I bet she’d be a bitch too.
Like it isn’t bad enough that Patrick Swayze has cancer, The National Enquirer reports that he’s now suffered from a heart attack. According to NE, the drugs that were fighting the cancer may have triggered the heart attack, so doctors need to decide whether to end chemotherapy in hopes of saving his heart or whether to keep fighting the cancer. Meanwhile Swayze didn’t realize he was having a heart attack because with all his medications, he thought they were chemotherapy symptoms. [NationalEnquirer] — Can’t a guy catch a break?
Every week OK! Magazine has a new story on how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are falling in love. Hopeful much? This week, it seems they’re convinced the couple’s reunion at Comic-Con will be a fiery one as Kristen “fights for” her man. Kristen’s friend allegedly said, “Her friends are insisting she look as hot as she can when she and Rob see each other so he will fall head over heels with her all over again. She wants to look so amazing that Rob won’t be able to take his eyes off her.” [OK! Magazine] — Plenty of weird things happen at Comic-Con, but romance is probably not one of them.
According to Life & Style, Mischa Barton is “fighting for her life,” and according to a “friend,” the actress went on a “three-day drug-and-alcohol binge” and “had been up for three days and started having hallucinations … screaming that she had ants and spiders crawling on her.” Her new movie “Homecoming” was near its premiere date and her new show “The Beautiful Life” was to begin filming this week. [Life&Style] — It’s probably a really stressful time for the star to become suddenly relevant again. It’s nice that the tabloids are supporting her.