Liveblogging “The Bachelorette” For July 20th 2009

Tonight! The! Men! Tell! ALL! Will Cowboy Wes be there? Will he and Pilot Jake brawl? Will the Angry Meathead try and start more crap with Hola Juan? You guys, I am so excited to see those old faces! Tear. 8:00 Regarding last week’s rose ceremony dress — I saw something similar at Club Monaco. Wonder if she wore a different version… Oooh, do you guys think we’re gonna find out who the next “Bachelor” is. Also, seems like Angry Dave is still in DENIAL about Jillian not liking him. Oh, also, Papa Bach and Molly are back to whine! Haha, Wes’ name resulted in boos from the audience.

8:03 Jillian says she doesn’t care at all about Tanner’s foot fetish and if the worst thing she had to deal with in someone is them wanting to suck her toes, she wouldn’t care. I think that’s pretty awesome, even though it would gross me out. Jillian obviously can’t stand Angry Dave and says he was disrespectful and that hopefully he’ll see that. Fat chance. So Ed — I think the way they’re talking about him is making it seeeeem like Jillian has a big ol’ thing for him, but I think he’s too obvious a winner.

8:07 Yeah, Jillian, what DID you see in Wes? I think he fit what she wanted on paper and she ignored the red flags, though Jillian says that she didn’t see any of them, since only the viewers did. She says it’s clear now that Wes came on the show to sell CDs, though she seems less sure as to whether he had a full-on girlfriend while he was on the show. Regardless, she sees his true colors now. ABOUT TIME. I think it’s pretty obvious that Reid is the one who comes back next week to propose, right?

8:13 Unseen footage! Relationship advice from a Harlem Globetrotter! Who liked Angry Dave. Guess their advice sucks. Another piece of unseen footage — Ed seeming a lil’ drunk? And non-communicative? But apparently the happiest, funniest drunk ever! Which I am not necessarily seeing. Perhaps messiest? More unseen footage — snowball fight with Mike and Mark? Meh, I’m bored. Except Mark hit Jillian in the head with a snowball. And then he got eliminated? Coincidence? I think not. And it seems that Robby’s exit was more humiliating than we realized — it took an HOUR to get the whole thing accomplished.

8:18 Reid hula-dancing. Not sexy. The show didn’t show the part of Jillian’s hometown visit with Kiptyn’s charity which seems really impressive, actually. Kiptyn FTW, people. Next segment — Jason and Molly. It would be awesome if Jason came back and wanted Jillian suddenly. Or Melissa. HAHA. Not. I hate Papa Bach.

8:26 Papa Bach one of the most controversial men in America? Really Chris Harrison? He’s not Louis Farrakan. “Wah, wah, wah we were ripped to shreds.” Blah, dudes, you did reality TV, if you can’t take it, don’t do it. I like Molly better with darker hair, I think. ZOMG, they are STILL together after six months. But they don’t live in the same city yet. “Based on everything we’ve gone through” Molly doesn’t think anything can break them. Um, you didn’t go through a war, you dope. And, of course, Papa Bach has started a website for a charity in his name, which I guess means he doesn’t work anymore because do ANY of these people work, besides Ed?

I think it’s interesting that they don’t want people to be upset over their actions, but they want people to CARE about what happens to them during the show. Can’t have it both ways, dorks.

8:32 Possible spoiler alert — a commenter just said that Kiptyn is the next “Bachelor” which means either Ed wins OR she accepts that mysterious proposal, which likely comes from Reid. Whatevs. I am cool with that, as I think Kiptyn deserves better.

8:35 Both Jake and Jesse got a lot of cheers. Reid is absent because of a “prior engagement.” LIES. Reid wins. This is proof. Prior engagement? Aren’t the obligated by their contract to be there? Wes isn’t there either, which is odd. You would think he would be forced. Think about it — they made Papa Bach dump Melissa and re-woo Molly on air. Why do Wes and Reid get off easy? Strange.

Oh Mike. Adorable. Hearts and kisses and hugs. It’s official, I still hate Jake. i think Wes dicked out of being there because all of those guys know he had a girlfriend and WASN’T THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. Also, Jake, STFU, “Robby is not Robby unless he has a drink in his hand”? Judgmental boring douche. Angry Dave is wearing an Angry Beard. I normally like a wooley man, but EW.

8:40 HA, the guys are not sold at all on Jake’s perfection. Oooh Mark, is totally tearing him a new one. “Go watch a rated R movie.” HA. So true. This guy is such a wimp. Haha, they hate him and saying his crying was him “pulling a Mesnick.” HA. Love it. I am using that. Also, Jake, STFU, the only person who thinks you really ARE perfect is YOU. And he’s being WAY Tom Cruise right now and it’s giving me the creeps. Whoa, Jake said the f-word to prove he’s not perfect. Congrats dude. Now STFU.

You guys, I cannot get over Reid and Wes not being there. Now, I think this is evidence Reid wins, but how did Wes get out of the reunion?! I am SO SURE that it’s in their contract. Maybe he paid a hefty sum to get out of it? Also, doesn’t he want to promote his stupid music career more? Or did he realize his behavior (and, um, his lack of talent) actually has hurt him?

8:47 Angry Dave and Hola Juan Showdown. Dave thinks that Juan was fake and it annoyed him. Jesse says Juan brought the worst out of Dave. I think Dave brings out the worst of Dave. And “man code”? Ugh. How about you not act like a douche? That should be man code. Juan’s idea of man code is more my style, though I think he’s a mega douche too. They both suck. It seems like breaching man code is when you don’t act like a frat dude when other frat dudes are around. Chris Harrison, I love you. Why does Juan have to explain why he didn’t take the shot? These guys are a bunch of trolls. Ugh. Chris Harrison, I wish you were single and could be the Bach. That right Chris, man code should be about being a good human being. I swear, I would be so ashamed if my son or boyfriend was anything like Angry Dave. Angry Dave is one of those guys who wouldn’t rat out a frat brother for raping a chick.

8:54 I do agree that Tanner totally pussed out by not naming names and not admitting to the rest of the guys that he talked to Jillian. He’s a wuss. Let’s face it. Now Jake is chiming in with more of his Mister Perfect crap. Yawn. HATE.

8:59 Time for Angry Dave’s time in the hot seat. Ooh, I forgot that Dave was the one in the first episode who got all nervous and couldn’t speak. Too bad he didn’t seem that authentic and sweet for the rest of the show. Eww, he makes me uncomfortable with the talking about Jillian’s ass. Oh Dave, so dim. So wrong that Jillian was just challenging him. He still doesn’t think he made Jillian very uncomfortable! And he says that complimenting her ass after a month — although a month during which he probably saw her for a total of three hours — is totally appropriate. Good luck dude.

Oh Chris Harrison, you feminist you! “In the man code, where is the respect for women?” RIGHT ON. Chris Harrison FOR THE WIN. Dude, ABC, are you listening? I want dating advice from Chris Harrison on The Frisky. He is wise.

9:04 Could Jake fathom treating a woman like Dave did? No. Of course not, but Jake can’t fathom playing spin the bottle either, so whatevs. Dave said he would apologize to Jillian is she said she was uncomfortable, which is nice at least.

9:11 Time for Pilot Jake. Is his shirt tucked into his jeans? I assume so. “What do you say to an angel?” That reminds me of that Jamie Walters’ song, “How Do You Talk To An Angel.” He’s so phony, it’s obvious. Oh dude, is Jake gonna CRY again?! I don’t like that he calls Jillian “an innocent girl.” She’s not a child. She’s a woman who is being lied to, but she’s not a broken winged bird. “She’s an angel.” I forgot how much I think he’s a turd. Ooh, HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS — DRINK!

I do love Wes’ explanation for Jake coming back on the show to rat him out — that God told him that he was supposed to be on seven episodes. Oh, how I wish that was true. He says he has no qualms ratting out Wes. Jesse didn’t appreciate Jake ratting out Wes, because he says Jillian is an intelligent woman and could have figured it out himself. Angry Dave, of course, says that Jake cried “like a little girl.” STFU Dave — I mean, I think Jake is a tool, but crying only bugged me cause it seemed fake, not because it’s weak. An audience member asked if Jake still has feelings for Jillian and in typical perfect Jake fashion, he said, “I always will.” Barf. Also, the audience seems to want him to be the next Bach, but NO THANK YOU. I veto. He says he would need to think about it. Please. Homeboy is ready to go. I wonder if Kiptyn really is the next Bach, if the producers greenlighted that after Wes’ interview accused them of that being the plan all along. Hmmm…so many conspiracy theories.

9:24 I have the flu and this episode is CRAWLING. Sigh. Time to talk smack about Wes! Wow, when did Wes wear a bow tie? The crowd hates Wes. Tanner says that they all knew Wes was there to sell CDs, and the other Tanner says that Wes wrote “Love Don’t Come Easy” that AWFUL song for his girlfriend, not Jillian. Some of these dudes are defending Wes, including Pizza Mark, which is unfortunate. Mike says that he was there for the wrong reasons, but not the reasons everyone says. And Chris, as usual, the voice of reason, says he wasn’t honest with Jillian and that’s the point. Mike with the good hair says that Wes isn’t smart enough to trick Jillian. Juan doesn’t think he developed feelings for Jillian, which I totes agree with. Some of these dudes are idiots. The ladies all love Jake for ratting him out. A dude in the audience thinks Wes was an obvious joke.

9:31 There doesn’t seem to be one Wes supporter in the audience. UGH, WHY ISN’T WES THERE?! I don’t buy this whole can’t be there nonsense. Ooooh, the producers put together a montage of Wes, basically, acting like a mega douche, a lot of it unseen. Oh dude, how did I not know that his nickname was “The Rooster”? Because he’s a c**k? Looking back at this footage I am back to believing wholeheartedly that he’s a troll. Also, I trust Chris Harrison and he obviously HATES Wes.

Why the hell, by the way, did Angry Dave get so much airtime, but adorable Mike didn’t?!

9:40 Time for Jillian to face the men and all of their sure-to-be-lame questions. The dudes gave her a standing ovation, which is cute. I can’t wait to see what her reactions to some of this stuff. She feels bad that Juan had to deal with so much crap. She also says that she was uncomfortable during her Angry Dave date, but he’s apologized and looks humble. She says she had a hard time getting rid of Good Hair Mike so early, as well as Breakdancer Mike, and Reid. I’m looking at her talking about Reid now and am trying to look for a hint that he gets the final rose in the end. She’s not giving up much.

9:43 As for Wes — she says she was following her heart and it wasn’t leading her in the right direction initially. In hindsight she wishes she let him go earlier, but she needed to figure that out herself. Mike wants to tell her that he’s okay and he’s glad he met her and that he learned a lot about love. He hasn’t dated anyone yet, since the show — um, call me.Juan likes Jillian’s feet too. You guys, I don’t think I could be the Bachelorette because my feet are terrible. Oh my god, I love Chris Harrison even more. He made Jillian pull his finger. And both Ed and Mike farted on camera. Loves it.

So is Jillian happy? In a word, YES. That tells us nothing. Next up, the dudes weigh in on who will win, Kiptyn or Ed. NEITHER. REID, I bet. I wonder if anyone will say that? Hmm.

The preview for the new show “Flash Forward” looks kind of awesome…

9:53 Kiptyn is sexy, but he does kiss a little weird. So long as it feels good I guess. Regarding Ed’s bathing suit ensemble last week, I do think that he wore that to be ironic maybe, because he is a dork. I still don’t like him, really. I now really don’t think Kiptyn will win. It’s between Ed and Reid, if Reid comes back.

What do the guys think? Oh wait, Chris doesn’t ask them. Could that be because they know Reid goes back? Or he’s afraid they’ll speculate about Reid. Fascinating.

NEXT WEEK, THE FINALE IS FINALLLLLLLY HEREEEEEE. FINALLY. JESUS. Previews reveal that Reid is the one who comes back.