My Beef With Jersey (Sheets)

Not long ago, we told you about how American Apparel introduced a new line of jersey bedding. My first thought was innnn-teresting. Next brainwave: Why the hell do I want a set of jersey sheets? Sure, jersey sheets (t-shirt sheets for those not trolling the aisles of Bed, Bath & Beyond on their Sunday mornings) are insanely affordable and can feel (when they’re new) like the inside of a just-purchased sweatshirt before the first wash—but I just can’t get into them. For two reasons…One, when they get worn, they start to look like those ragged sweats you wore in high school gym class—they pill, they get all rough feeling and they tend to stretch out and look like a hot mess. And second, I also associate them with sophomore year in college. And not the good parts of those semesters. Envision mornings when the sheets stunk of sweated-out booze from the previous night’s keg-a-thon, the sound of the alarm going off for the fourth time after repeated snooze hits, and the head rush you got after ripping yourself out of bed to face the morning when suddenly all of last night’s conversations come speeding back to haunt you? (Yay, COLL-EGE!) Though I wasn’t even close to being an out-every-night-of-the-week co-ed, the question must be asked, do I really want to relive those mornings because I cheaped out and didn’t go with 100 percent cotton sheets? Not even a little bit. Those mornings were comical then (and let’s be frank, the hangovers these days are way worse after consuming much, much less!), but I want them to stay put in my collegiate past. Where they belong. If you haven’t noticed, I’m trying to be a grown-up these days. Trying. In sum, and I hope you’ve been taking notes because it may show up on the mid-term, save a bit more loot and freaking splurge on the touch, the feel, fabric of our lives…plain old cotton, and skip the jersey variety.

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