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Brad Pitt’s Advice On Online Dating, Texting, And Porn

In the August issue of Wired starring Brad Pitt’s aging face, the actor gives advice — in his “Inglourious Basterds” character — on a few topics close to our hearts: dating, porn, texting, and World of Warcraft. And, while we don’t support the wearing of Bluetooth headsets in public, his advice ain’t bad. I exaggerated my salary on my online dating profile. Should I fess up?

Hell no. Everyone lies online. In fact, readers expect you to lie. If you don’t, they’ll think you make less than you actually do. So the only way to tell the truth is to lie.

Can I talk on the phone while taking a whiz?

No, you can’t talk on the phone! Do you want the guy next to you to hear your entire conversation? That’s why you should only text in the bathroom. Just be sure you don’t hit the wrong button and end up putting a photo of your junk on Twitter. Trust me, you don’t want those followers.

Is it OK to look at pornography at work?

Don’t just look at it at work, bring in your old porn mags and scan them there! It’s like converting your vinyl to MP3s. Fill up your hard drive, and when you need a break from spreadsheets, just open a favorite pictorial.

Should I ask my World of Warcraft wife if she’s really a dude?

Absolutely not. If it’s good, don’t check under the hood. I say, love her with everything you’ve got. I mean, she’s your wife, man!

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