Automatic Online Dating Dealbreakers

I’ve been doing the online dating thing for a while. Match, Nerve, JDate, OkCupid, you name it. Generally, I’m a fan. (It feels sort of like shopping for boys, no?) That said, there’s also a lot about it that never fails to appall me. Namely, what guys seem to think is attractive, funny, or sexy in their profiles. For some of these men, the dealbreaker can be small—that moment when you’re checking him out, and all is going well until you scroll down to see that one off-putting thing and it’s click, on to the next. Then of course, there are the all-around disaster cases where everything from the picture to the description is horrifically wrong.

Here, some examples (both hilarious and bizarre) of online dating dealbreakers. For the ladies out there, let us know if you agree. For the guys, take notes. Please.Pictures:

  • When his pic is a glamour shot
  • Making weird faces with a caption of “two hours of sleep!” Either he’s seeking sympathy or showing how he parties too hard.
  • When there is no photo. Moving on.
  • Shirtless poses. Can you spell cocky?
  • Clown masks or equally freaky and elaborate Halloween costumes. Scary! Not funny!
  • More than one of the pictures is with his “bros” out in a bar getting sloppy.
  • When he poses with girls. First, do you have a girlfriend? Huh? Second, pretty sure that girl doesn’t know you’re using her photo, and doubly sure she wouldn’t be too happy about it.

Profile Descriptions:

  • In the “about me” paragraph, he says, “I don’t know what to write.” For heaven’s sake, you’re on a dating website, sell yourself a little bit!
  • When his “looking for” selection includes only “sex partners.” I admit I might be looking for a hookup, too, but I don’t advertise it so blatantly. And a guy who does seems a bit creepy.
  • Saying upfront that he doesn’t have faith in online dating websites, or describes how someone forced him to sign up. That’s a winner. Not.
  • “Have you ever seen the movie ‘Trainspotting’? My life is like that.” Was that a joke? Because it wasn’t even funny in an ironic way.
  • “I’m an actor.” Moving on.
  • Anything about his genius zombie/alien/Sith defense plan.
  • Using the following spellings: “u” “ur” “no1,” and overuse of LOLs.

Screenames:

  • The following* will not win a girl over: PantsParty, “Magnum” anything, MaSword, FartyDogAss, Bloodlust.

Contact & Emails:

  • Where the only thing he writes to you is “whats up.” He’s so lazy he can’t even add punctuation.
  • Misleading subject lines, like “We made plans and you never showed,” which he then admits in the body of the email was a ploy to get you to open the letter and not delete it. Desperate much?
  • Letters that sound like job applications: “Hi. I’m the guy for you!”
  • Bizarre requests. “I have an unusual request for you … my friend is currently living in [your city] and is feeling quite sick at the moment and I want to cheer her up. Could you surprise her with a sexy phone message that would go something like this: ‘Hello, I’m Nurse X, I’m in the bath right now and hope you’re getting better.’”
  • This email:
    “I have a true passion and love for pro-wrestling. Pro-wrestling has been my lifes dream and something (and like I said before) that has been my true passion for so many years and when I thought I had nothing, it got me through a lot. And last but not least I work a full time job at Burger king (yeah yeah I know, but I am living just fine for now lol). Oh god this is such a long message lol, Im…let me stop before this becomes more of a headache lol. So if U want take a look at my profile, and if I seem as interesting as U are, type me back and so we can start talking ASAP lol.”

*Screenames have been modified to protect identity.

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