Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Jessica And Nick Getting Back Together? Michael Jackson’s Death Video?

I think Wednesday is my favorite day of the week, ’cause once it’s over, it’s almost Friday, kinda. It’s also a great day because tabloids remind me that no matter how bad my life can be, at least no one cares about the trouble I’ve been getting into—unlike Jennifer, Jessica, and (Michael) Jackson. And they’re not concerned with my ever expanding/decreasing waistline like Khloe. But I guess that’s why they get paid the big bucks, because by being famous, they’ve given up their rights to privacy and their right to not have me go through their trash. Sorry guys!

Tabloids would like to believe that Jennifer Aniston’s relationships are always calculated and, this time, apparently she’s out for revenge! Star Magazine says she’s given up the fight for Bradley Cooper in favor of her costar Gerard Butler, who she’s been caught “practicing kissing scenes” with after the cameras stopped rolling. According to their source, “Gerard’s been after Jen ever since they met at the Toronto International Film Festival in September 2008. He really has a thing for her. He wants to date her, not just have a fling—or at least that’s what he is telling her! She said no to him for almost a year, but he never gave up.” Can’t a girl knock boots without the third degree? [Star]
Life & Style hooked up with my favorite Kardashian sister, Khloe, who lost twenty pounds in four weeks with a little help from her sister, Kim. The article promises to share Kim’s plan for a flatter stomach and thinner arms in days. Khloe conceded, “I don’t want to be the fat, funny one anymore.” [Life & Style]
The National Enquirer says that a secret security video caught Michael Jackson’s last moments on film, but then disappeared in the elaborate cover-up (including hiding drugs and ‘sanitizing’ the scene) that took place before investigators got their search warrant. According to the Enquirer, there are “gaps in some security camera footage stored on computer hard drives.” [NationalEnquirer]
Now that Jessica Simpson is newly single, the rumors have begun to fly. Us Weekly says that Jessica might be ‘haunted’ by her feelings for Nick Lachey and her friends say she “let a great guy get away.” The former “Newlyweds” are both single now, so of course they’re supposed to get back together, right? Why do celebrities have to be tabloid haunted by every past relationship? Oh, something went wrong? I bet it’s because she’s still in love with so-and-so! Let the girl eat her pints in peace![UsWeekly]