What Makes Vampire Sex So Hot?

It’s been, let’s see, almost three months since I’ve gotten laid. I’ve done a little making out, but in general, most of my sexual satisfaction these days is from watching “True Blood” every Sunday on HBO. It’s been a big year for vampires, but an even bigger one for vampire sex, which has got everyone from teenagers and Midwestern moms, to geek fan boys and, um, twentysomething bloggers obsessed with how they have it (“True Blood”) and how they resist having it (in “Twilight”). In both of these examples, the human is female and the vampire is male. That’s given some the idea that the vampire sex is bad for women because it fetishizes the meshing of sex, violence, and romance. To that I say, whatevs. If this fantasy is bad for women, well, then it’s good for me. Let me be frank. I totally want to do it with a vampire. If I was Sookie Stackhouse, I would let Bill Compton bite me every single time. If Edward Cullen thought barely kissing would be enough for me, he would sorely mistaken. In the fourth book of the “Twilight” series, Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward finally have sex for the first time on their honeymoon and though the Mormon author of the series, Stephanie Meyer, didn’t give readers the deets of the sex itself, the aftermath — sheets and pillows torn to shreds — said it all. Vampire sex, in Meyer’s world, is rough.

Likewise, on “True Blood” the vampires we see having sex — not including the passionate lovemaking between Sookie and Bill — do so aggressively and frenetically, with a certain uncontrolled madness. In the first season, the bald headed vampire who screwed Maudette Pickins was a your typical S&M practitioner times ten. In the book series “True Blood” is based on, there’s a lot about how fang bangers — i.e. men and women who are into screwing vampires — like rough sex. in Bon Temps, fang banging is just S&M taken up a notch.

Is it any wonder, then, that those of us who enjoy the occasional domination and submission play — spanking, light bondage, etcetera — are titillated by the idea of fang banging ourselves? Throw in some romance, idealized in the “true love” stories of Bella and Edward and Sookie and Bill, and you’ve got a recipe for success that will be hard to replace. Does that mean you’ll suddenly see your average lady strolling down the street with bite marks in her neck? Hardly. Unless, of course, vampires really do come out of the coffin…