The Top Unsexiest Beautiful People
After compiling a list last month of the 20 sexiest ugly people, the editors at Nerve have just published a list of the 20 unsexiest beautiful people — “a shapely gang of cold fish for whom beauty is, sadly, only skin-deep.” The list includes the obvious names you’d expect to see on a list of people whose traditional good looks do nothing to spark even tinge of sexual charisma: Tom Cruise, Gwyneth Paltrow, and ousted Miss California Carrie Prejean, as well as a few debatable choices like Reese Witherspoon, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck (I’m sure there are quite a few right-wingers who find her sex appeal downright magnetic). As thorough as the list is, I couldn’t help but notice some glaring absences of pretty obvious names. After the jump, my pick for ten more of the world’s unsexiest beautiful people.
|1. Sarah Palin
Lipstick or not, the woman is pretty vile.
|2. Jessica Simpson
Even in her “chubby” days, the woman’s still beautiful, but like an ornate wedding cake, I bet she’d taste a lot cardboard.
|3. Chris Brown
No explanation necessary, right?
|4. Lindsay Lohan
Oh, Lindsay — we hardly knew ye. Even Russell Brand reportedly rejected her and that man will sleep with anything!
|5. Christian Bale
He had such potential, didn’t he? I remember watching him years and years ago in “Empire of the Sun” and thinking he was a cutie back then, but after a series of PR catastrophes, including the much-publicized on-set tirade that hit the internet earlier this year, the guy’s got about as much inner beauty as a lab frog.
|6. Will Smith
Something terrible happened after Will Smith took off his crown as the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Maybe it was his [UPDATE] seemingly fake marriage to Jada, or his suspicious friendship with Tom Cruise, or his inconsistent movie roles. Maybe it’s simply that he’s become one of the biggest douchebags in Hollywood, and though his paycheck has grown, his star — and sex appeal — has definitely fallen.
|7. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Much like Jennifer Aniston, this Jennifer’s air of desperation, string of broken relationships, and [UPDATE] embracing the tabloids when they’re calling her SKINNY is a major turn-off.
|8. Renee Zellweger
The woman perpetually looks like she simultaneously sucking on a lemon and nursing an allergic reaction to air.
[UPDATE] Can they please make a “Bridget Jones 3″? We liked her so much better when she was goofy and had some meat on her bones.
|9. Mario Lopez
Dimples and muscles aside, this guy’s got NOTHING going on. And his constant self-satisfaction is about as tolerable as four chili cheese dogs in a row. Why is he still on TV?
|10. Kate Hudson
I once had the “privilege” of waiting on this bimbo during my short stint as a barista. She was loud, self-obsessed, danced around the cafe for 15 minutes, acted surprised when she was asked to pay for her order, didn’t tip, and left a big mess.
|Honorable Mention: Ryan Seacrest
He seems like a genuinely nice guy, and certainly a hard worker deserving of his success, so I wouldn’t say he doesn’t have redeeming qualities or that his beauty is just skin-deep, but sexual charisma? Nada, nothing, not even an ounce.
[UPDATE: The Will Smith, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Renee Zellweger entries have been updated from the original posting.]