An Orgasm A Day Keeps The Doctor Away, British Kids Are Told

Jeebus. Why does everybody get so freaked out when adults dare to talk about teenagers masturbating, considering horny 13-year-old guys probably jerk off more than anyone in the world? Alas, there’s drama in Sheffield, England, because medical professionals are circulating a pamphlet to teens which suggests that self-pleasure might be more satisfying than, oh, having sex before they’re ready or getting knocked up. The pamphlet is called “Pleasure” and it says:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away….Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?”

The National Health Service’s Center for HIV and Sexual Health in Sheffield gives the leaflet to parents, teachers, and other adults who work with youth in the hopes that they’ll have discussions with teens about the safest way (other than abstinence) to enjoy their flowering lotus blossoms. And relieve some stress!

But of course, even though Britain’s teens are surely touching themselves anyway, at least one headmaster of a local school harrumphed that the pro-masturbation leaflets are “deplorable.” Presumably because he’s against teaching kids about self-pleasure, not because he thinks masturbating only twice a week is redonk. In any case, sir, we shall happily ship Bristol Palin over to you as a cautionary tale and see if she can change your mind. [Telegraph]