Liveblogging “The Bachelorette” For July 6th 2009

Time for me to sound like a broken record. Will Jillian finally realize Wes is a total d-bag on tonight’s episode of “The Bachelorette”? Considering I have been waiting, and waiting, and waiting since, like, episode one, I am going to take a wild guess and say “no.” However, the previews imply that she does. But ABC has fooled me before! Also, someone has a surprise proposal? Anyway, see you at 8 pm bitches.7:54 Dang, it’s before 8 and three of you are already here!

8:00 So, given who’s left, who do we think the final two are? I’m going to go with Kiptyn and Ed. I swear to God, if Wes keeps giving her those weak lines and she believes him, I hope he wins. I think Jillian has a deviated septum, you know that excuse that all celebs use for getting nose jobs? Cause she always sounds stuffed up.

8:04 Kiptyn is an effing dream boat and totally perfect, but not in that annoying way that applied to Pilot Jake. Reid, for whatever reason, has stuck around, but I don’t think he and Jillian really have chemistry. Oh! That reminds me! From the looks of the previews, tonight one of the dudes loses their boner or something. I predict it is Reid. If it turns out to be Kiptyn, I will be mega disappointed. Poor Ed has been pegged as the workaholic, but maybe he just has a REAL JOB unlike some of these guys and can’t just take off for a few months for a reality show? Oh Jillian, you dumb ass, you may want the bad boy country guy, but you don’t marry him because you cannot change him. Duh, duh, duhhhh. Also, if she trusted him, she wouldn’t need or ask for more assurance. The fact that she still distrusts shows something. I just learned the hard way to trust my gut — Jillian may have to also.

8:13 So, we’re in Madrid, Spain. Kiptyn gets the first date with Jillian. He has suchhhh SoCal guy style. Yes, there could be a better situation Kiptyn — you could be having the LAST date. Always better than the first. New “Bachelorette” drinking phrase — every time Jillian says, “I feel like a princess,” DRINK. Kiptyn is being very honest here, discussing whether he would be prepared to propose based on what he knows now — and he says “no,” which I think is a GOOD SIGN. I do not understand the need for an engagement at the end of this show — having been engaged, the idea that getting engaged is the end all, be all of “proving” your commitment and love to someone is a load of crap. Oooh! They’re learning flamenco dancing! When I was in high school, I took flamenco. I sucked, but I can still do some of the steps. You have to have flexible wrists. Um so Kiptyn is wearing very tight pants. Can we please get a close up of Kiptyn’s little dudes? Also, in honor of Spain, should I pronounce my “S”‘s with a “thhhh” sound?

8:24 FYI, I am watching, but I am also cooking at the same time, so updates will be slightly infrequent for a bit. Wait, are they eating escargot? Delish. Jillian is asking what Kiptyn’s ex-girlfriends would change about him and he joked that they wanted him to have a twin brother. That is not funny Kiptyn. That is serious.

8:28 Jillian just touched on one of my issues with this show — she said that she worries Kiptyn will let her make too many of the decisions because he’s so mellow and good natured. This show doesn’t give any of these people the opportunity to argue and fight, that’s why you can’t get engaged at the end. Until you’ve gone through major fights together and major stress, you really can’t get married, in my opinion.

Whatevs! Fantasy Suite Time!!! WAIT A SECOND?! She’s not spending the night with him? Well then who does she spend the night with that loses their boner? Reid?! EWWW.

8:37 Jillian gets giggly around Reid. Meh. Cheesy park makeout date. I wouldn’t turn that down, to be honest. Juan would make for a great translator on this date. Hey Reid! When you order a GRANDE at Starbucks, what size is it? BIG HUH?! Dumb ass. Ugh. Reid is hotter when he is tan and a little mussy and without his glasses. Which is weird, because normally I love glasses on boys. I’m pretty sure only one dude is going home and that next week the final three meet Jillian’s family, and then on the final episode, she goes on final overnight dates. But before that there is “The Men Tell All” which means we have tonight, next week, the week after, and then the finale. Oh Monday nights, when will I have you free? Reid says that he and Jillian are very similar, whereas Jillian said earlier that they’re very different.

8:48 Reid is such a pleasant dude, but he is just so borrrrring. By the way, I can’t believe Wes is getting the last or second to last date again, that is pretty much B.S. Getting the clean up spot is such an unfair advantage. Let me tell you something, as I am listening to Reid talk like a sensible human being, just like Kiptyn, I am realizing that Jillian wants all of these guys to be madly in love with her at this point, ready to propose NOW — so maybe when one of them DOES in this episode, which supposedly happens, she considers it because she’s showing just how desperado to get married she is? Reid basically just said the same thing Kiptyn said — if she goes to the fantasy suite with him, I am going to be so annoyed. Ugh. Wait. She is saying no to Reid too? WHO LOSES THEIR BONER?! So…if she’s not taking the guys who she has something potentially “real” with, does that mean she IS going to take the guys she’s going to let go? For, like, a quick roll in the hay? Oh, Jamie Lee just pointed out the whiskey dick episode must be next week. Wuh-wuhhhhh. So, I’m bored by Reid, but maybe they’re good together. Ugh, whatever. I sort of want Kiptyn to be spared so he can be the next “Bachelor” — who’s with me?!

8:57 Sigh. I was all prepared to make boner puns tonight. “Wes is such a downer.” “Limp-tyn.” Etcetera.

9:00 Wah, wah, wah, Ed LEFFFFFFT Jillian. Ugh, get over it bitch. He has a real job with real responsibilities. He doesn’t have daddy money or a gig that is happy to have the publicity. He’s not in a “band” that’s using the show for their own gain. I think it’s actually kind of LAME that he came back, but the fact that he left doesn’t make me think badly of him.

Jillian may not have much of an ass, but she has a great pair of legs. I think these guys would ALL have a better shot with Jillian after the show, after she picks someone, they date briefly and then break up.

Well what do you know. Ed is boring me now. Maybe Jillian is making these dudes boring. I think I am officially off Team Jillian. I may be on Team Anyone But Jillian if she keeps Wes around. All of these guys seem to be way taller than Jillian. I have never dated anyone seriously with a significant height difference. Apparently I am missing out. Ed is supposedly an amazing kisser. Will he have a fantastic boner? Guess we’ll maybe find out!

9:10 Do you guys think ANYONE is getting the fantasy suite action tonight? Wes maybe? Jillian and Ed are talking about whether or not she would move to Chicago — she says she’s open. Ed says that he knows enough about her — despite leaving for a few episodes — to know they would be good together. Ugh whatever. This show turns men into such realistic t**ts. Jillian says she is surprised that Ed is comfortable talking about kids. Oh Jillian take it from me girlfriend, TALK ABOUT KIDS with dudes you are expecting an engagement ring from in, like, a week. UGH. I think it’s kind of mean that Jillian makes the guys think they have a shot at the fantasy suite and then plays coy and mature about not using it. Like, kind of a kick in the guys’ stomach, no?

Yes, basically Jillian sees the fantasy suite as a sex token. As I would, frankly. Or at least an oral sex token. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, Ed is GETTING the fantasy suite invite?! Um, you guys, Ed is totes gonna lose the boner. And I didn’t even prepare a pun for him! CRAP!!!

Jillian’s bracelet is pretty. Um, I guess Ed didn’t lose the bone? Cause they cut away? Maybe the boner episode is next week. Sigh.

And the prize (um, my applause) goes to YELLOW for pointing out the most obvious limp wienered nickname for Ed. E(rectile)D(isfunction). E.D. HEHEHEHEHEHE!

9:22 SIDE NOTE: Watching the trailer for “Orphan” that new horror movie about an evil child and it is FREAKING ME OUT.

9:26 I am actually pausing the show to comment on the ridiculousness of what Wes just said. He has never been to Spain, but he wrote a song once, that was #1 in Chihuahua, Mexico, so he feels very at home with Spanish people. Dear Lord, this dude is a dumb shit. They are two totally different countries, you idiot, separated by a MASSIVE OCEAN, their cultures are not even remotely the same, and though Spanish is the primary language in Mexico and Spain, they are completely different. ARGHHHHH. Also, he is “ready to localize with the people.”

People, WES IS THE SARAH PALIN OF BACHELOR CONTESTANTS.

That peach color is killer with Jillian’s skin tone. And they’re riding bikes! I rode my bike to the subway today and didn’t realize till I was off and pedaling that the dress I was wearing was grossly inappropriate for bike riding. Did I go home and change? No.

GAG. Wes wants someone to “bare his soul to.” Jillian is starting to notice, FINALLY, that what Wes says does not vibe with what he does. Oh Jillian, of course Wes isn’t moving. His banddddd is in Austin. Now, maybe if you wanted to move to Chihuahua, Mexico, he would be game. He is a big star there, you know?

9:35 Back to Bar-th-elona. Wes owns, like, three shirts and one jacket and he is going to wear that one damn jacket at the rose ceremony. Puke. Go shopping you dips**t. haha, Wes said, “Go ahead, clear the table.” It’s CLEAR THE AIR. ACKKKKK!!!

Wow, he is basically saying the proof is that he’s got everything out of this situation that he could have, publicity wise, so he would have been gone already. Maybe he wanted a free trip to Spain aka the Mexico of Europe?

FOR THE WRONG REASON — DRINK!

Wow, Wes is basically ‘fessing up now, that “numero uno” (Spanish or Mexican for “number one” y’all) is him and his career. Jillian is now asking about Laurel, who Wes said he spent six years with, and she broke up with him because of their “differences.” MASSIVE SLIP UP! Wes said “girlfriend” not “ex-girlfriend.” The look on his face SHOWS that he is busted. BYE BYE YOU LOSER! Or should I say, “Adios!”?

HAHAHAHA, Wes actually thinks he should get fantasy suite time. Idiot. Jillian finally sees that Wes has something to hide and she is “embarrassed” that Wes came on the show with a girlfriend and to see if it would help his career, but she feels “soory” for him because — BARF BARF BARF — he doesn’t realize how talented he is and he didn’t need to do this to better his career. Okay Jillian, you be that one person (besides the fine folks in Chihuahua) who buy his album. I cannot WAIT for the “Men Tell All” and we get to see what Jillian thought of Wes after watching the show.

9:51 I think it’s safe to say that Wes is saying “adios.” Only one is going home right? Wow, Wes is a piece of disgusting crap. He just said in front of all the guys, “If I go home, know that I’ll be back home, having lots of sex.” Eww, you pig. Your girlfriend, WTF is wrong with her? She let you go on national TV to act like a disgusting a**hole and kiss another woman for a music career that WILL NEVER TAKE OFF because you SUCK.

Roses go to… Ed… she really cannot keep Wes, FYI… next rose goes to…Reid … this is going the way I thought … final rose goes to… I swear, if Wes gets it, I am going to flip. Final rose goes to… Kiptyn. THANK GOD.

So, this is the thing that bugs me about men in general. These guys are falling for Jillian, right? But Wes just said something really gross and disrespectful. But they all clapped him on his back when he left like he’s one of their bros. It’s so obvious in the way he said goodbye to her that he didn’t ever give the slightest s**t. What a horrendous person. And he’s admitting now, in the car, to having a girlfriend. He is an ass. UGH.

This is really pissing me off. What is wrong with people? Why does he think this is an okay way to treat someone?

Honestly, don’t the producers have some sort of clause that says you can’t have a girlfriend to be on the show? They should make him pay for every single dime of his trip to Spain. UGH, if my ex did not turn men for the foreseeable future, Wes certainly is doing it for him. I hope that Wes gets booed at every one of his shows, and that he also, maybe, gets castrated. Is that wrong?

Wait, wait, wait, what happens next week? Although, without Wes to hate on, how is it going to be any fun?

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