When my grandma called me a few weeks ago to make me promise I’d go out with her friend’s grandson if he called me, I stupidly agreed. You see, my thinking was, What guy is really going to call some girl he doesn’t know because her grandma says she’s a catch? And even if he did defy my cynical expectations and call me, good old grandma told me a solid five times that he is just “so handsome, Lily, you have no idea. And witty, too!”
So when mystery man did, in fact, call a week later, I paused briefly before agreeing to lunch. I mean, if worse came to worst, at least I’d have something pretty to look at while contemplating ripping my arm off just for the excitement.
Not only was the dude at least fifteen years older than me, he was balding (sorry, not into it, I have personal preference for hair), had a twitch in one eye and, worst of all, may have been the most boring human being I’ve ever met. I mean, I’m a talker (nice way of saying aggressively talkative), so if you can’t even keep a conversation going with me as I provide fifty different topics to cling to and and on for dear life, something is wrong.
After quickly cutting out post-lunch with a vague “umm, yeah, sometime” to his query as to whether or not I wanted to go out again, the self-doubt set it. Does my grandma think I’m that tragic?
But before I’d adopted a box of kittens and purchased a box of red wine for mid-afternoon consumption, it occurred to me that maybe the whole fiasco was nothing more than a bad set up. I mean, we’ve all had them, right? In order to support this new option (I’m a subscriber of Convenient Theories For Me Monthly if ever there was one) I’ve rounded up some other hideous set up stories. If you’ve got one of your own, post it in the comments, knowing that you’ll be staving off my complete devolve-ment into a drunken cat lady, if only temporarily.
“Ugh, which one do you want?
1. Being set up at 10-years-old by my grandma with her bestie’s 13-year-old grandson?
2. Being set up at an intimate dinner party with a gay man?
3. Being set up with my polar opposite, who only drank tea and was manorexic?” — Sarah
“A friend of mine recently set me up with a guy who was balding. He’s in his late 20′s, so it’s definitely some premature balding and though he keeps it cut pretty short, the sunlight/moonlight/candlelight noticeably reflected off his cranium. He was a nice guy, but totally boring, and even with hair I wouldn’t have been interested. The thing is, I felt the friend who set us up should have, like, told me in advance that he was balding, because I was MEGA surprised when I met him.” — Anna
“My own mother set me up with this totally slimy guy a couple months ago. Gold chain, greasy hair, polyester chain, the works. And when I complained that he was gross, she told me to ‘be less choosy.’ Thanks Mom!” — Regina
“All of my friends have been getting married in the last few months and I’ve become the charity case on whom all of their new husbands’ single friends are pawned off. The worst one so far was gap-toothed and couldn’t seem to stop talking about all of his hot ex-girlfriends.” — Wendy