How To Avoid The Hidden Perils Of Independence Day Parties

Sure, sure, the Founding Fathers saved us from tyranny and taxation without representation blah, blah, blah. I doubt good old George Washington or jolly Jefferson realized the danger they were placing the future of American women in. Obama is protecting us from aliens attempting to enslave the human race, but who is going to protect us from the hidden dangers that lurk in the shadows of every 4th of July party? Well, unless you invite me I can’t stop you from attempting to line dance when you have no coordination, but I can forewarn you of the most common dangers you are likely to encounter in your red, white, and blue nautical shorts. Lemonade For Grownups: If the kiddies are not allowed near the “special” punch, chances are it’s alcoholic, and by that I mean highly alcoholic. Hey, I have nothing against fully celebrating our country’s birthday, but I also know you want to avoid passing out in a drunken stupor until after the fireworks. By all means, get your patriotic party on, but remember that you usually can’t tell just how much alcohol is in the punch. A general rule of thumb: there is at least twice as much vodka in the lemonade as you think. Judge your consumption (and heel height) accordingly.

Marshmallows: As far as calories go, you don’t have too much to fear from these innocuous white fluff balls. Don’t be fooled. The cheerily rounded fluff balls are perhaps the most lethal force your hair will ever have to battle. Take it from someone who has seen the carnage up close and personal, hair vs. marshmallow makes Harry Potter vs. Lord Voldemort look like child’s play. I once heard an old wives tale about rubbing peanut butter into the sticky white mess that used to be your hair, but in reality you end up with fluffernutter head. So not in for summer.

Fireworks: The more emphatically a man insists he is an expert with explosives, the more likely you are going to get scorched. It’s not the poor inanimate firework’s fault that men can’t figure out how set it off and is so inexpertly used and abused. If the peeps at your party are unusually adept with fireworks or pyromaniacs, best to take a few steps back, just in case.

The British: Just kidding, sort of. What I mean is that after living in the U.K. for a few years, I have given up trying to explain the idea behind 4th of July and Thanksgiving. In my mind they are just sore losers, but that only makes them grumble and harrumph more. My solution: party with the Irish. No one loves to celebrate America’s victory like the Irish. In reality, no one likes to celebrate anything like the Irish. Perhaps that’s why I am having five Irish kids crash at my place this weekend. Which reminds me, I think I will start researching a post on how to clean up post 4th of July party.