I Want You To Dump Me

Dear Gentlemen,

When you know you don’t want to see me anymore, I need you to do me a favor: be an adult and dump me. Don’t text me pretending that you want to reschedule when you flake out on our plans, don’t promise you’ll call me later if you’re not gonna, don’t ask for my number if you have no intention of ever calling me, etc. If I wanted to date someone who mastered the disappearing act, I’d have schtooped a magician. But I didn’t, I dated/boyfriended/made out with/dry humped on the dance floor/flirted with you. Now, I need you to breakup with me. And I’m totally fine with us not working out. I just don’t want to be left with false hope and then no explanation.

1) It makes me feel like an idiot for ever having liked you.

2) Are you trying to make peeps regret thinking you are a hot piece of ass?

3) Do you really want me to have to analyze your inner psyche with my girlfriends?

Listen, I know there are a lot of reasons you may not want to be my man. It’s cool, I’m not perfect. I can accept that you took me for a test drive and you now know I’m not what your looking for. Heck, sometimes, I’m not feelin’ it too. No harm, no foul. After all, it takes two to, you know…. If you want to be nice, just tell me where you stand. Don’t leave me wondering, “Why hasn’t he called?” and “What did I do wrong?”

To illustrate my point, I will dive into my own slut files and show you how, even in the most fleeting moments, this consideration counts. At two separate birthday parties I met some of my pals’ sexy dude friends. Man #1 and I kissed all night long until the end of the party. He asked for my number, had our mutual friend text me to call him because he lost it, and then texted me saying it was nice to meet me almost a week after the fact and he would be in touch to make plans. Yet still, after all that, he never asked to see me again. Why did he go through that ridiculous amount of trouble and drag our mutual friend into this if he had no intention of seeing me again? I had nearly forgotten all about him when he texted me back in, strung me along, and then pulled the fade out. I feel like twice as rejected now.

Man #2 and I met under similar circumstances; we flirted and made out at a mutual buddy’s b-day party. But when it came time to say goodbye, he didn’t even try to get my number. He said he’d leave seeing me again up to fate and then told me, “That’s how I roll.” OK, so I puked a little in my own mouth upon hearing a line like that, but at least I know I don’t have to give him a second thought. It’s a relief! He wasn’t interested and he let me know upfront. He obviously knows how to play the game. Love ‘em and let them know when you’re gonna leave ‘em. For that, I give him two thumbs up.

So, my male counterparts, I vow to always answer your phone call, if only to tell you I’m not interested. I will not agree to a second date in person and then ignore your plan-making email. I will not make you think you have a chance at screwing me if I only want a free drink. But I need you to give me the same respect. Any boy who watched “G.I. Joe” knows that knowing is half the battle. Don’t leave me to feed on my own insecurities as to why you don’t want to see me again. Rip off that band-aid, tough guy, because the slow peel is worse. Or, in the immortal words of Diana Ross’ “You Keep Me Hangin’ On,” ”Let me get over you, the way you’ve gotten over me. Set me free, why don’t cha babe.” Especially if you’ve already had sexy time with me, you know that I’m not fragile, I can take it. So please, I’m begging you, dump me.

With Love,