Doin’ It With Dr. V: Loss Of Confidence

This week I gotta an email from a lady with the subject line “loss of confidence.” Haven’t we all been there?! So, my Frisky friends, let’s show this girl some love and get her back on her feet. Here’s what she had to say about her situation:

“I’m a 22-year-old college student who loves to have sex. However, my 27-year-old boyfriend doesn’t seem interested, not that I blame him. See, he is his grandmother’s caretaker and is required to spend nights at her house, where I’m not allowed to stay the night. I’ve tried to get him to come to my apartment for some alone time, but usually we just spend time at his house, with his grandma. I’m sick of being ignored. I’ve been turned down so many times by him that I’ve given up on ever having sex with him again. When we do have sex, it’s unbelievable and both of us just go nuts. But we haven’t had sex for three months out of our seven month relationship, and when we do, it’s only once a month. I understand him not wanting to have sex in his grandmother’s house, but there are alternatives. I’m at my wit’s end. Help!”

Oh darlin’, a loss of sexual confidence happens to the best of us. Even Dr. V dated a dude that didn’t want to stick it in because he was so depressed. You’d think a guy that wasn’t interested in sex would run from a gal like me…but I should have been the one to walk away. What I learned was that it wasn’t my fault that he wasn’t interested in sexy time.

In your case, you’re quite a wonderful woman for standing by a man who is taking care of his gran. I don’t know who is more selfless, you or him. However, my rule of thumb for any sexual relationship is, when it starts to rattle my self-esteem, I need to shake things up. Here’s what you should do:

  1. Get all dolled up.
  2. Go out with a wing woman or group of lady friends to a bar/club/party where there will be handsome strangers. No gay BFFs and straight dude friends are allowed, unless they’re bringing hotties with ‘em, because they will confuse potential men that would hit on you.
  3. If it’s that kind of soiree, dance like you just don’t care. Mostly, be open to flirting. And no talking about your current man or problem.

Now, it may take more than one outing for you, Stella, to get your groove back, but you’ve got to get out there and put a smile on your face. Don’t go out with the intention of meeting someone new, just chill and have fun. Then, just wait and see who and what the maniverse will send your way. Enjoy the ego boost!

As for your boyfriend, he’s giving so much to his family right now that he doesn’t even seem to have anything left for himself or you. Unfortunately, this is just bringing you down and it’s a sad situation. Don’t internalize it, because it has nothing to do with your sex appeal! It’d be one thing if you were married for years and this befell you, but you’ve been unhappy for about half the time you’ve been together.

You said it yourself, “I’ve given up on ever having sex with him again.” So what are you waiting around for? I also think hanging on to this guy isn’t helping him appreciate you. But honestly, it sounds like you’ve crossed over into friend territory. Tell him that. A close, sexless relationship is the very definition of a friendship. And you deserve to feel as sexy as I know you are!

At the end of the day, you’ve got to take care of you. Just because he’s a good man, doesn’t make him the perfect man for you. You’re not a bad person for wanting to leave a guy who isn’t even trying to give you what you need. Not to mention, this sounds like a serious case of bad timing. So don’t waste another minute feeling mopey, get out and get some play!

Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily lead me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. And please, if you have a question, email me. You know I love to read your smut too!