I spend half of my days feeling kind of like a hooker. There are no patent leather platforms with clear plastic bases in my closet and I’d sooner die than wear a half shirt or hot shorts. My damn chest, however, makes appropriateness rather difficult at times.
You see, my waist is a size 2 or 4, my hips are a size 4, and my chest is a 34DD. Finding a dress (or blouse, or fitted, non-stretch top of any kind) has become borderline impossible. But years of clothing obsession and severe boob-related setbacks when it comes to putting together outfits have left me with what some might call an obsessive and excessive knowledge of how to deal with super large lady lumps. Some rules, after the jump…No Tent Dresses
Tiny little waif girls with thighs the size of my arm and no boobs to speak of can pull those off. You, my big-busted friend, cannot. You will look pregnant. Very pregnant.
Embrace Knits, They Are Your Friends
You’re wasting your time looking for a stretch-less dress that will hold those suckers. If the size difference between your waist/hips and chest is only a size or a couple of inches, alterations are a possibility. Beyond that, though, you’ll end up spending more on easy-to-botch alterations than you did on the dress.
So instead of going down that frustrating road yet again, get a knit dress. If you’re into va-va-voom sexy, something fitted throughout will get you there (but beware, you’re not going to want to meet anyone’s mama dressed like that). Personally, I’m a lover of the fitted-on-top, swirly-on-bottom look. Butter by Nadia makes an awesome wrap dress along those lines. (Seriously, I own it in three colors and completely vouch for it.)
Medium V-Necks Love You, Too
The low V will get you a bit too much attention and a round or crew neck will make your chest look like a shelf. But a fitted medium dip V-neck with short sleeves that hits a couple inches above your elbow will work every time. The little bit of extra sleeve length balances your top and a slight V is sexy without being trampy.
No Empire Waist Lines
As with tent dresses, you will look pregnant. Or at least not nearly as good as you could. Dresses that nip in at the waist and then flair out (A-line or circle skirts work miracles) provide a nice shape and balance.
Go With A Combo Dress
There are these magical dresses that are made from t-shirt material on top and another, more dressy, material on the bottom. Like this one.