Doin’ It With Dr. V: Can You Have Sex With Food?

This week, I got a letter from a lady with a spicy sex life:

“My guy was cooking and I pulled him away from the kitchen to get it on. He had been cutting up peppers and in the heat of the moment didn’t think about it and touched my ‘hot’ spot. Then I actually started to feel a lot of burning — I was wondering if it could cause any damage.”

Ooooh, I can’t resist a man cooking either. I’m not a real doctor, but my guess is if your crotch isn’t still burning, it’s OK. Vagina, you’re gonna make it! Although, if you do still feel a ring of fire, see a gyno please.

For the record, both your mouth and your vagina are mucous membranes. So, in my opinion, if your mouth can go on unscathed after a slight burn, so can your poonani. Now, with that being said, obviously, not every vegetable is meant to go in your hoo-ha, in fact some would probably argue that none should. But why let mouths have all the fun! Here are some tips for food you can actually enjoy… makes some good suggestions for edible lovables. If you’ve got a dick try sticking it in a sliced open papaya or quartered cantaloupe. If you’re poking around the grocery store for a phallus, check out cucumbers, obvi, and even salamis. But before you go getting it on in the produce aisle, read these important rules.


  1. Size Queen: Just like a penis, this isn’t a simple case of the bigger the better. It’s best if the food you use is easy to grab and wider at one end, so you won’t lose it and become an ER urban myth. A baby carrot is a bad idea — go for a Bugs Bunny-sized one.
  2. Practice Safe Sex: This is definitely one place you don’t want a rash, so you should always thoroughly wash the fruit and/or vegetable and make sure the outside is smooth. If it’s a phallus, put a condom on it. If you’ve got the phallus, put a condom on that.
  3. Spice Up Your Sex: Beware of food with cinnamon, cloves, mint, or, as our friend learned, anything spicy like peppers. This is one fire in the bedroom that you don’t want.
  4. Sugar’s A No-No: Avoid shoving sugary foods up anywhere. And don’t use oil or oily foods, for that matter — they eat right through condoms, are BFFs with bacteria, and are total hangers on in your private parts.
  5. Washing Machine: Whatever you do, do not try to scrub out the junk in your trunk or your va-jay-jay before or after food play. That includes enemas, kids! From the start, it will take away your natural lubrication and increase the risk of problems during penetration. If you try to excessively clean up afterward, you’ll just wind up pushing all that stuff further up in it, making you more prone to nastiness. Just take your regular shower and let your body do the rest.

Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily lead me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. And please, if you have a question, email me. You know I love to read your smut too!

Tags: food, sex advice