Advice For The Vertically Challenged

Why is it that the one thing you really dislike about your body is always the one thing you can’t do anything about? I have sort of accepted my short legs, or, rather, I have kinda accepted the fact that they are short and sparing a minor miracle, that’s not going to change. Standing somewhat proudly at five feet five inches I fall into the boring average-short category. To my surprise, however, people tend to think I am tall. Maybe it’s the heels, but I think it’s got more to do with attitude and unswerving conviction that I am a tall person trapped in a short persons body. I’ll eventually get over the dark despair in my heart over my inability to try out for America’s Next Top Model, but in the meantime…

  • Platform Heels: Obviously heels add height, but platforms specifically make you look naturally taller. My own musing have wielded several possible explanations. For starters the platform under the ball of your toes decreases the elevation of your foot. The more unnaturally your arch is curled, the more your feet will hurt and sore tootsies tend to result is a funky duck walk. Tres not sexy. The platform also performs some magical optical illusion. An artist friend told me it has something to do with how the eye perceives shapes. Apparently the empty space between the skinny stiletto heel and the toe registers in the brain as unreal…or something like that. Basically platforms, especially thick heels or wedges, create a continuous line that fakes a longer leg. Last and probably least, platforms are so sexy no one will even be thinking about your height.
  • The Maxi Dress: The great thing about the maxi: you don’t have to shave your legs. The second best thing about the maxi is that the yards upon yards of fabric substantially increases your upward mileage. I think this is because the dress is so long, the eye can’t completely register the distance between your shoulders and your feet. I am sure there is a more scientific optical explanation, but just trust me on this one, it works. For optimal mysterious growth spurts opt for a solid color.
  • No One Calls You Shorty And Lives To Tell The Tale: A big personality will make you appear taller, if only because people will be too afraid of your wrath to call you short. Not really, unless you are that scary and able to intimidate people. If so, kudos to you. If you tend towards the timid and less vocally violent, however, a sparkling personality or sweet smile will distract everyone from dwelling on your height. Though I am a bit overly-aware of the subject, most people don’t define others by their ability to reach that wine glass on the highest kitchen shelf. Unless you make a big deal of it, people are far more likely to focus on you great hair or awesome ability to tell a story. Just wait to pull out the step ladder till people aren’t looking.