Period Reducing Birth Control May Not Be Creepy, But It’s Definitely Uncomfortable

I don’t get lady times once a month. In fact, I don’t get it ever. Due to babymaker problems that you’d prefer not to think about (trust me), I’ve been on a constant stream of birth control for six months so as to avoid more surgery. In short, my reproductive system doesn’t function. The factory has been shut down.

But because a few icky lady parts problems and surgeries just aren’t enough to deal with, I’ve also reacted badly to six different forms of hormones, becoming a bloated, mean, or moody mess after a few weeks on each. So last week, once the inexplicable crying had set in, my chest had inflated to monstrous proportions, and I felt the urge to kick small children, my doctor decided it was time to try my seventh variety of hormone. But rather than switching directly from the patch to the new pill, she told me to take a week off, complete a cycle and then get back to being The Amazing Period-Less Girl. Our debate last week about whether pills that get rid of your period are creepy sparked some pretty heated conversation. I don’t have much of a choice in the matter, but I still don’t think period-reducing pills are particularly “creepy.” Know what they definitely are? Incredibly uncomfortable.

This has been one of the worst weeks of my life.

Everything was all fine and dandy until I actually had my lady times again for the first time in about five months. And now I’m finding myself wishing for death. Hard. I’d always had bad cramps, but this is a level of screwed up I haven’t felt before. For the last five days, I’v been a mess of hot flashes, pelvic pain and pissed off-ed-ness. I’ve gotten so sick of feeling this way, that I was almost disappointed when I didn’t just drown in the bathtub this morning and end it all. (Kidding. Mostly.)

So while there may be no biological imperative to have a monthly period, it’s my personal imperative not to be this much of a sloppy mess. I mean, identifying this closely with the “Saturday Night Live” short above is a tad scary. Anyone else have experience with cutting down your periods? How did it go for you?