Dating Don’ts: The Worst Breakup Lines Ever

Nowhere is the difference between men and women so glaring as when it comes down to the demise of a relationship. Specifically, the unexpected, unwanted, one-sided break-up otherwise known as the dumping.

A dumped dude might get angry. Then again, he might just get depressed and mope quietly in his room. He may go to a strip club or pick up a one-night-stand at a bar. What he won’t do is call up all his buddies and poll them about what they think his ex really meant when she quit returning his calls. Nor will he tearfully declare that said ex must have been either too intimidated by his devastating intellect and/or simply too in love with him.
Now granted, maybe men don’t wonder so much because we ladies are more up-front when it comes to breaking hearts. After all, when was the last time you heard of a chick acting like a jerk so he’d break up with her? (See #3 below.)

The fact is, though they somehow got the reputation as the stronger sex, men tend to be giant wusses when it comes down to ending relationships. So many seem to think pulling a disappearing act is an appropriate breakup protocol. I understand that a crying and/or screaming girlfriend can be a scary thing, but when you think your relationship is going great and the guy just stops returning your phone calls and texts, it’s confusing and depressing. Oh, and highly annoying.

I was all harrumph-y about the injustice of the disappearing act until I began surveying women about the most painful breakup lines they’d had the bad luck to receive.

“You’re amazing, but I’m just not ready to be in a relationship right now.”
This actually wouldn’t have been so bad had he not moved in with his new girlfriend two months later.

“We can’t move in together because my mom won’t approve.”
Though this is highly lame, I believe this lady dodged a bullet. God only knows what else mommy wouldn’t approve of.

“Yes, I am going to continue acting this way until you break up with me.”
This gets props only because the guy was brave (or stupid) enough to cop to his behavior.

“I’ve never been a lady magnet and now it’s being thrown in my face constantly. I figure I’ve got about of year of this luck so I’d better enjoy it.”
Again, brave or stupid—thin line.

“I said I love you too soon so now we’re tainted because I can’t move that fast.”
Word from the wise: dude, nobody believes it when you say you “I love you” for the first time during sex. Relax.

“I’m going to grad school and they might send me to Antarctica.”
I guess if you’re going to lie, lie big, but still.

“I’m getting married”/ “I’m seeing someone else.”
This one I heard from many different ladies and many different times I wished I could reach back in time to deliver a hard slap on these women’s behalf.

“If you boil fish in a coffee pot, every coffee you make afterwards will always taste like fish.”
Translation: I have taken more psychedelic drugs than Timothy Leary, the Grateful Dead and Syd Barrett combined.

“I need to be with someone more attractive.”
Here’s a brilliant idea—if you’re not attracted to her, don’t do her any favors by dating her in the first place! Oh, and you’re a jerk! (Sorry—this story is making me mad!)

On second thought—perhaps the disappearing act isn’t so bad.

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