If it weren’t for the covers of women’s magazines like Glamopolitan, my time standing in grocery lines would be spent reading the copy on my frozen dinners. It’s amazing how reading “succulent tenderloins cradled by fluffy mashed potatoes” makes a meal squeezed out of a nozzle and flash frozen taste that much better. It was standing in line with my pathetic pyramid of bachelor food that I learned that there are, like, 1,342 different ways to drive me wild.
And here I was, thinking there was only one, 100% guaranteed way to drive me wild, and that was to touch my penis. At this juncture, I’d like to state that I’m also speaking for all of dudekind. Sweeping gender platitudes is what I do. So take the ice cube out of your mouth, the feather out of my ass, and go for the gold. Is there a Nobel Prize for sex advice? I’d like to thank you all.
The subtext of these articles is pretty simple: “Learn these sex tips or he will cheat on you.” That is one of the main reasons women consume this same old prattle over and over again.
If you are naked, and into us, then ladies, consider us driven wild. We don’t need your hummingbird tongue all over our neck, or upside down oral sex, or our prostate milked. Unless, of course, we ask you very nicely. But we probs won’t.
I’m not saying we react negatively to your loving attempt to “spice” things up in the bedroom. On behalf of all dudekind, we appreciate your trying to make us happy. Truly, we don’t deserve it. But since we’re all in an honest place right now, let me ask this question: are you reading these sex tips for us because you want to be driven wild?
The other reason sex tips are popular with women is because they turn you on. These tips aren’t about men, they’re about women. Because, and this is a fact, women are kinkier then men. Men are aggressive when it comes to trying to get into pants. But once said pants are tossed and dangling off the ceiling fan, it is women who are truly aggressive. Y’all are the pioneers of get-down-get-funky. Largely, we’re along for the ride, and I think that’s been the way since the beginning.
EVE: Yeah, Adam, I know how much you like it doggy-style.
ADAM: It’s not just doggy-style! It’s also kangaroo-style! And rhino-style! It’s how all the critters do it!
EVE: Yeah, but I was think we could do it… another way.
ADAM: Wait. There’s another way?
EVE: Sure. I could get on top of you, and you could play with my boobs, and I could grind on you till you pass out, or you could get on top of me, and I could pull your hair or pinch your nipples while you pound away…
ADAM: Really? I… I had no idea such things were even possible…
Woman are, after all, the smarter sex. If Adam was so smart, he would have been talking to the snake, instead of running around paradise naked, hooting, doing cartwheels. And while we’re briefly on the topic of sexual history – to all the ladies who write for women’s magazines, I’d like to offer a wee suggestion. Men do not “crave” things. It’s not really in our vocabulary. Cavemen never once said, “You know, I really crave a good mammoth hunt.” A craving suggests a subtle palette. A dudes appetites are simply, and efficiently, binary. Game on, game off. Cheeseburger now, later. Sex, sleep. Gracias in advance.
Most of the women I’ve slept with were far freakier than little ol’ me. There was one girlfriend who dragged me into a club’s bathroom stall and commanded me to “lick her hot little [CENSORED]” I was rendered immobile, slack-jawed. She barked it again, and I complied. Or the seemingly shy girlfriend who left the couch one movie night, only to return dressed as a, I lie to you not, Catholic schoolgirl. We were in our mid-twenties. She plopped down next to me, snuggled up close and whispered, “We have to be quiet, OK?” I remember confessing to one lu-vah that I watched porn, only to have her reveal a vast collection of such twisted variety, I was humbled. She blushed when she asked me to watch one of her favorites with her. And so it goes: everything I’ve ever learned about sex, I’ve learned from the woman I’ve had it with. Zeus bless everyone of them.
It’s men who need sex tips to drive her wild. We’re the ones who are woefully ignorant as to what it is you ladies want. We’re so busy trying to last longer than your average Enzyte commercial, it never crosses our mind that maybe you’re bored. That you’ve not been driven as wild as we were when you forgave us our clumsy, fumbling, simplistic ways and gave us your body, your trust, and, in the best cases, your heart. We want to drive you wild. Help us out with a tip or 1,342.