• Relationships

10 Hilarious And Awkward Dating Confessions

It’s been awhile since I read “Dating Confessions,” Nerve‘s community blog where readers confess their darkest dating and relationship-related secrets, but after someone posted a particularly interesting one on Current yesterday, I had to go check out what else I’ve been missing. Like community confessional blogs before it, “Dating Confessions” is at once seedy, sad, funny, hopeful, and heartbreaking — kind of like its topic, I guess. After the jump, the confession that got me reading again, plus 10 others that made me glad I’ve found a smooth spot on the rocky seas of romance.

My neighbors have sex with the curtains open and the lights on so I watch. It (always) goes like this: 6 minutes in the missionary position. At about minute 5 he grabs a page of the NYTimes and holds it ready. At the last second he pulls out and cums into the paper. He gets up and hobbles out of view with his junk wrapped in newsprint. Then she gets up and checks her email in the nude.

I’m not sure what’s more offensive — the newspaper jiz business, or the 6-minute missionary sex. Thoughts?

My last girlfriend gave much better head than you. I want to teach you her technique, but the sentiment would be obvious and you’d probably never go down on me again.

The “sentiment” would only be obvious if you actually said, “I want to teach you my ex-girlfriend’s technique.” Otherwise, not so much.

I’m not supposed to talk about politics or religion on a date, but what the hell? if someone disagrees with me on a pedagogical level, shouldn’t that be an enormously helpful indicator to move on?!!

To which someone else replied:

I’m pretty sure “pedagogical” doesn’t mean what you think it means. You probably *would* do well to avoid discussing politics and religion with your dates.

Definition of pedagogical: “of, relating to, or befitting a teacher or education.” So, yeah, no one is disagreeing with you on that level.

Staying over last night does not entitle you to show up unannounced tonight. That being said, I love the flowers and oral.

If only every unannounced house guest were so generous.

You piss me off. You’re a whiny, dramatic asshole, who thinks waaaaay too highly of himself. You tease and make fun of everyone but the second anyone dares to make fun of you stop talking to them. You’re a huge gossip and speak in code to your friends about people who are there. You have a ridiculous temper. And yet I still want you to think I’m attractive.

Wow, is this guy still at large? He was driving me crazy in the same way ten years ago.

Thanks for another darling of a day. You are totally worth all the agony I went through waiting for you to fall in love with me. Every single one of my friends said that you were trouble, a commitment phobe, a bad bet, and you know what–they had every reason to think that–but I just couldn’t walk away, I knew you were it for me-and then -poof–something in you clicked and WOW–I can’t believe we are getting married next month.

Let’s hope they don’t procreate before the divorce next year.

My wife f***ed another man last night. A rare occurrence in our long-standing open relationship.. or at least open for her. Unfortunately she didn’t enjoy it (bad chemistry) and today feels blah – regretful, nauseous and hungover. So now I’m expected to be the sweet, doting husband while suppressing my desire to sexually reclaim her until she feels better. Which almost makes me wish she had a better hookup and came home happy and horny. Sometimes reality really bites.

Um, maybe it’s time to close the relationship?

The only time I don’t think of you as a buddy/brother type is when we are hooking up.

Wait, but how do you even get to the point of hooking up if you’re thinking of him as a brother? Ew.

New dating rule: if you have more than 500 photos of yourself on Facebook, then you are a shallow and self-centered person, and I’m not interested.

But if you have 499 photos of yourself, sign me up!!

So, Frisky readers, what are your dating confessions?

[via Nerve]

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