What Ever Happened To This Summer’s “Must Haves”?

Every month a gazillion magazines boldly discover the top three items we must have for this season. I mean must in the sense that the articles foretold our fashion doom if we did immediately drop the glossy pages and run to the mall. I will give the magazines their due, most of them have toned down on the necessity of buying a new closet every year and the average price of featured items are not as absurdly high as they used to be. So, when all the magazines this winter told me there were only three must have trends for this summer, my glee poured from every fiber of my fashion being…until I realized what these trends were: harem pants, jumpsuits and sheer. Maybe it’s just me, but I have not seen one everyday woman wearing harem pants down the street. These trends died a premature death, with is just fine with me because I thought they were butt-ugly anyway, but why did these three die when so many other fugly trends are allowed to live on? Here are my diagnoses on why the three major must have’s died.

  • The Harem Pant: Hallelujah! This trend deserved to die a slower and more painful death than it did. There was not one redeeming point to this cross between a diaper and a snuggie. Actually, perhaps there was some slight redemption in that all women, even super models, would look equally drab in this “I Dream of Jeanie” look. But really, and I do mean really, what were we supposed to do with the harem pant? Where were we supposed wear it? When was it appropriate to wear? And most importantly, why would you want to? Diagnosis: too ugly to live.
  • The Jumpsuit: I am dubious that anyone over 2 lbs. could actually pull this one off, but I mused that there might be that one perfect jumpsuit. Maybe. It just looked like such a bother to find one that fit correctly on the bottom and top. My mom also wisely cautioned me from her experience with jumpsuits in the 80’s: whenever you go to the bathroom in a jumpsuit, the top of the jumpsuit will fall in the toilet. Gravity and a drink or two makes this situation inevitable. Diagnosis: too many logistical issues to live, but the romper is pretty cute and less tactically challenging.
  • Sheer: A sheer dress or blouse requires great feats of engineering, a perfect body, or a minor miracle. I had visions of various ways in which this trend would go awry (accidental flashing). I could have looked for nude camisoles and slips during the chilly spring months, but I was lazy. A sheer outfit needs many test runs and serious undergarment coordination. If you got your act together, kudos to you. I will just continue to shop in my closet. Diagnosis: required too much life/tummy support to live.