10 Things You Really Don’t Want To Do With Dad

You know how buying things like condoms and Monistat can be embarrassing? There’s one thing that makes either of those, or anything awkward and vaguely sexual, even more traumatizing: doing them with your dad.

Having bought my first bra with my father (I have no idea why that happened), I’m fairly well-versed in the sort of mortification that comes with such activities. It’s bad enough to buy your first box of tampons, and it only really gets worse when the guy who should never think about your lady parts is carrying them to the register. But purchasing tampons or training bras aren’t the only things you should leave dad out of.

  1. Visits To The Gynecologist: Avoid it like the plague. Either he’ll sit there stoic but squirmy, silently dying inside, or he’ll get too into it and try to actually talk about what’s happening. Option one sucks, but option two is far worse.
  2. Underwear Shopping: There is never a time in your life past the age of eight when your dad should be actively involved in the choosing and purchasing of your skivvies.
  3. Sobering Up: The hangover hurts enough, Daddy’s judging eyes and deep-seated fear that you’re a drunken strumpet won’t help your headache.
  4. Watching Movies With Sex Scene: Seeing Angie and Brad get it on “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”-style is hot when you’re alone or with friends. With your parents? Ohmygoditssoterrible.
  5. Traveling To Europe: Even in the states, a decent number of pervy people think that I’m “with” my 54-year-old dad. (Mind you I’m 20). This multiplies exponentially in Europe and you won’t soon forget the randy looks that come your way.
  6. Early Teen Check-Ups: Don’t know about you, but a lot of us recall having parents in the room during yearly physicals, even well into our early teens. Can you think of anything worse than a doctor touching your junk while your dad’s sitting five feet away?
  7. First Dance Pictures: You’re all gussied up, braces shining, and your dad’s got the camera. He’s snapping away cause your mom made him, but really he’s wondering if that gel-haired jackass is going to touch his little baby.
  8. A Trip To The Plastic Surgeon: When I graduated from high school, at least seven girls’ dads bought them new boobs, and another three headed off to college with new noses. First of all, eww. Second of all, ask for a car next time. Your father shouldn’t be financing a means to slutty college years.
  9. In The Delivery Room: I will never, ever understand people who want their dads to chill in the delivery room while they’re pushing a kid out of their nether regions. It’s the perfect storm of stuff he never wanted to know: 1) You have a vagina, 2) You’ve had sex, and 3) You’re officially not his little girl anymore.
  10. Picking Up Stuff From Your Ex-Boyfriend’s Place: Do this one yourself, with the new guy, or a friend. If your dad’s the strangling type, the jerk who broke his daughter’s heart will end up battered on the ground. And while that might sound good now, it would result in a lot of messy paperwork later.