Five “Holy Sh*t!” Gems From The Season Finale Of “Real Housewives”

We start off this, our last episode of “The Real Housewives Of New Jersey,” with a tour of Teresa’s giant house…that’s got nothing in it. Granted, if the house weren’t the size of a Westin Hotel all that furniture she bought would technically work. But, as we all saw, she’s gonna need to go on another spending spree—better start stacking up the hundos! So, yeah, Teresa (wearing, as my boyfriend so helpfully pointed out, shorts that looked more like underwear) decides to throw a “housewarming” — at a restaurant. Basically, it was the excuse the producers needed to do the usual “Housewives” end of season dinner. And wow, these Jersey chick didn’t disappoint on the drama front. Here are the five moments when my jaw-dropped. Literally.

  1. The second Danielle placed the book on the table. OH MY GOD. She brought it. She placed it on the table. She surveyed the room. Not to say I wasn’t waiting for this moment all season—and the producers did a great job of building up this moment with the b*&ch-I’m-going-to-eff-you-up background music, Danielle arriving late to a roomful of stink-eye stares, and the awkward “what? no kisses?” line from Teresa. It was like the meeting of the five families in “The Godfather”! And something just had to blow. Oh, man, did it ever!
  2. Caroline reveals she was the one who introduced “The Book.” Not only did Caroline sit there and let Danielle belly-ache about her plight (uh, the diarrhea mention was so unnecessary), but when the moment was exactly right, she threw the smack-down with the admission that she was the culprit! Well, then. Don’t screw with the Manzo sisters. They’re thick as thieves.
  3. The table flip! Did Teresa really go bats**t crazy because she was told to “PAY ATTENTION”? Or did her pain meds from the boob job not react well with the multiple flutes of champers she had? It could be that she’s working on an anger management book or about to start shilling her own lip gloss line for three-year-olds and needs the press? So what if it wasn’t her fight, she hijacked the scene and made it her own! (I wonder if she still footed the bill after they added in all the broken glassware?)
  4. Jacqueline quit being the boring, neutral, I-like-everyone character. Jacqueline always cowers in the corner when her sisters-in-law are in the room—don’t rock the boat when it comes to la famigilia—but was anyone else as shocked as I was when she came screaming to the rescue of Danielle? Hands down the most excited I was to watch her all season long!
  5. Jacqueline’s hubby making peace. The only person able to tell Dina and Caroline (especially Caroline) to shut their traps was their brother. He spoke and everyone (for the first time all season) shut the hell up. It was a marvelous moment of utter and complete silence. I have to think he was a little bit proud of his wife, too, that night—because he knows better than anyone else how annoyingly domineering his sisters can get.

So where does all of that leave us? We’re sent off with the info that Dina is going to quit her job to hang out with her hairless cats all day, Jacqueline’s new baby is the glue holding the Manzo clan together, Danielle is still searching for Mr. Right Bank Account Balance, Teresa’s buh-bies are a way better aphrodisiac than those oysters everyone so enjoyed because she’s pregnant with her fourth baby, Caroline sits home and reads and re-reads “The Book” and, lastly, that you have to tune in next week to see the “uncut” version of the episode. (Damn you Bravo, you’ve got me hooked for yet another week!)