Sweet Bits From Lauren Conrad’s Novel, L.A. Candy

Lauren Conrad has gone from reality TV starlet to fiction writer. That’s right, “The Hills” star’s first novel, L.A. Candy, comes out today. For a book supposedly based on Lauren’s experience in La La Land, I’ve got a bit of a beef with main character Jane’s portrayal. Now I’ve only loosely skimmed, but so far Lauren describes Jane’s L.A. digs as having “urine-colored walls” and being filled with “cute things” bought at Target. Umm, stretching a little, L.C? I seem to remember a killer apartment with Ralph Lauren paint and vegan home décor by Stella McCartney. But, hey, it’s fiction right? Wait. Besides the living situation, there are many bits in L.A. Candy that I feel like I’ve seen before. After the jump, some choice gems. What TV producer Trevor Lord tells Jane about the fictional reality show, “L.A. Candy”:

“Well, that’s the thing about these shows. There’s no story line or scripts, so we never know when things are going to happen.”

On girls moving to Hollywood and becoming drones:

“Size zero, glossy platinum (mostly purchased) hair down to her ass, black dress glued onto her Pilates-toned body. Why was it that when girls moved to Hollywood, they all eventually morphed into the same stereotype?”

Jane on moving to Los Angeles:

“No one moves here to be a nobody.”

Describing Jane and her best friend, Scarlett:

“Petite, pretty blonde—not the run-of-the-mill Hollywood blonde, but softer, sweeter. She was exactly what he had been looking for. And she came with a tall, strikingly beautiful brunette friend who had a slightly exotic but not too exotic edge.”

On what Jane’s told about hair and makeup on faux reality show “L.A. Candy:”

“You’re on your own for that. You should dress however you would normally dress. And I wouldn’t stress about makeup.”

Jane on her paycheck:

“They’re paying us two thousand dollars per episode!” [Note: Lauren racked in a whopping $75K a pop.]

On the beginning of feuds between the four girls on the show:

“Madison was seething. Her eyes went to Jane, who was smiling and looking pleased with herself. That pudgy little nobody had just stolen Madison’s moment. Who did she think she was?”

On back-stabbing friend, Madison (remind you of anyone?):

“Madison struck her as a royal bitch posing as a—what? She couldn’t even hold a job. Although, maybe that is difficult to do when your talents are limited to drinking, spending your parent’s money and subjecting your hair to an abnormal amount of bleaching.”

When “suggestive” photos of Jane get posted on the Internet:

“They were not only on the gossip website, but they were all over the internet. Photos of her wearing nothing but underwear, looking awful…and in a very, very compromising position with Braden. Several positions, actually.”

For the full L.C. experience, pick up a copy. It’s the one with the candy hearts on the cover. Oh, and The Frisky is also planning on attending L.C.’s book reading in New York this week — we hope to ask her if she really penned the book on her own.