I am writing to express my condolences about your recent media onslaught. I know the world went apes**t when they discovered your dirty little secret…your toe thumbs. It must be disconcerting having your weirdo thumbs be the number one highest-ranking item on Google Trends over the weekend. Geez, peeps must have been really bored. If pictures of my alien fingers were all over the internet (my hands are really weird, too, but I digress), I might feel ashamed. Perhaps your plush lifestyle makes up for it? I still have a roommate and no cable. So thank you for reminding me that no one is perfect.
P.S. Is there such a thing as thumb surgery? You could probably afford it. Just a thought…it would give a whole new meaning to the term “hand job.” HA!