Sex Tips That Will Turn Women OFF

As the guys over at Men’s Health have proven time and again, they’re pretty sure they know exactly what makes a woman tick. Too bad they’re REALLY WRONG! This time they’d like their readers to believe they’ve got the secret sex tips (33 of them, in fact) to turn a lady on in no time flat. Check out their most ridunculous tips after the jump.

1. Buy Her a Silk Thong
A gift of lingerie is cliched, right? So twist it. Give it to her when you (seemingly) don’t expect sex right then and there. Pass it under the table at a restaurant and ask her to go to the ladies’ room and change into it. “It’s a little naughty, but she has a chance to play back,” says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a relationship therapist in Seattle. Not recommended for a first date.

Um, no, just, no. This isn’t naughty or sexy — it’s just cheesy and annoying. What kind of dinner are you taking us to that you’d think it okay to pass us a silk thong under the table and ask us to go try it on? We’re trying to enjoy our meal! You go to the bathroom and undress and put new underwear on. We’ll just be here sneaking fries from your plate and draining our wine.

5. Skip the Flowers
Blooms at the office are overdone. If you want to stand out, send a card instead. “It’s really the thoughtful things you do at nonsexual times that make a woman want you,” says Paul Joannides, author of Guide to Getting It On! Go with a thank-you. Write out a few things you’ve never thanked her for—making breakfast on Sunday, cleaning your stubble out of the sink. An appreciated woman during the day is an appreciative woman at night.

Okay, and from now on, we’ll just show our appreciation for you with a magnetic poem on your refrigerator. After all, blowjobs are so overdone!

10. Apply Her Lipstick
“Grooming a woman is kind of a role reversal,” says Linda De Villers, Ph.D., a California sex therapist and author of Love Skills: A Fun, Upbeat Guide to Sex-cessful Relationships. “She’s being doted on and served, and it shows that you think a certain part of her body is attractive.” Other ideas: Shave her legs, paint her toenails, or brush or wash her hair. According to a menshealth.com poll of 3,200 men, 76 percent said they have shampooed their woman’s hair. And Men’s Health readers don’t waste their time on things that don’t work.

Apply her lipstick?? Really?! Show of hands, ladies — how many of you would be turned on by a guy applying your lipstick? Just as I thought. NO ONE. It’s creepy. Don’t waste your time.

15. Give Her a Massage
But make it interesting:

  • In hot weather, roll a chilled can of soda along the backs of her thighs.
  • In cool weather, warm a towel in the microwave for 10 seconds and massage her with it.
  • Season her belly with a little salt, and then slowly lick it off. Add tequila to taste.
  • Turn winter gloves inside out, put them on, and massage her with the soft side.

It was all good until you got to the “season her belly with salt” bit. Did you think you could throw that in and we wouldn’t notice? WE WOULDN’T NOTICE A GUY SALTING OUR BELLIES LIKE WE WERE A PIG ROAST and then using our bellybutton as his personal shot glass?! Salt is not an aphrodisiac, guys.

31. Make It Easy
For oral sex, stand while your partner kneels or sits on the bed. This angle lets her take more of you, gives her better control, and is less tiring.

Wait, is this about what turns us on or what turns you on? But, you know, really thoughtful of you to figure out a way to make giving you a blowjob less tiring. We’ll be sure to send you a thank you card.

32. Let Her Give You a Pearl Necklace
But not a real one. Lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation. The beads feel warm and smooth, creating a new level of sensation.

Okay, so we are talking about what turns you on.

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