Another episode, another two hours of Angry Dave’s crazy eyes, Wes’ twang, and Jillian’s fabulous style, but vaguely questionable taste in men. See ya back here at 8pm, y’all!7:56 I only have one very big glass of wine for tonight’s “Bachelorette” — not including the one I already drank, obvi. Hope that’s enough! And by very big I do not mean pitcher size. I mean regular large wine glass sized.
8:01 Thirteen of the dudes get to go to Jillian’s hometown? And Kiptyn cooks? NICE. Oh and some of the guys have girlfriends?! RAD. Also, Pilot Jake is going to use that to make himself seem even more Serial Killer Perfect. Ahh the two-on-one date, or “the tag team” date. Do you suppose they pick one person they KNOW Jillian is totes over and one who she likes? Because if they pick two she really likes, that’s pretty much bull crap. Oh Ed! I forgot how much I like Ed. I wonder if Jillian brought so many of the guys to Vancouver because she wants Canada to win them over. Cause, I mean, some people are predisposed to hate Canada.
8:06 Psycho Dave is wearing his sunglasses around his big thick neck, FYI. YAY! Adorable Kiptyn gets the one-on-one date! Oh god, Pilot Jake tucks his t-shirt into his jeans. FASHION FAIL. Okay, so my feeling is that Psycho Dave and Pilot Dave are both on the group date. Psycho Dave must be upset about that since he’s been dissed on the one-on-ones. I wonder who might be on the tag team date? If the producers were as ingenious as me they would have made the tag team date be with Dave and Juan.
8:09 Commenters are trying to guess who the guys with girlfriends are — so far, suspicions say Wes, for sure, which would not surprise me in the slightest. And supposedly Sasha may have said that Juan is a spy? A spy for who? Jillian? Hmmm…. Okay, gonna continue to call it — Kiptyn in the final four. I just can tell. He’s got the niceness of Pilot Jake, without the serial killer underneath.
FASHION NOTE: Jillian’s parka is awesome.
8:11 Do you think Jillian will really take Kiptyn to her for real apartment? Jillian apparently wants someone to kayak with. BOYS OUT THERE — I do not. Oh dear. Jillian pronounces pasta with a long “a” sound. PAAAASTA. Not PAHHHHSTA. Okay, so Pilot Jake looks like the kind of guy who would suck in bed because he wouldn’t want to make the bed messy. Kiptyn works with children’s charities. Give yourself a moment to enjoy the throbbing of your uterus, ladies.
8:15 Why the f**k are they TOUCHING PIGEONS?! They are FLYING RATS PEOPLE.
8:18 They’re drinking white wine with pasta? Hmm. Kiptyn is totes guaranteed a rose at this point. I mean, c’mon. They are really cute. And Kiptyn is way cooler than half these guys. Also, I want a guy to grab my ass while I’m cooking. Can that please be arranged for the near future, universe? Thanks. Kiptyn, in the little interview, looks like he has lipstick on his mouth. Kiptyn says he doesn’t pursue women, This is fascinating, because I wonder if there are a lot of men like him. Oh cuteness, making out.
8:22 The next date! The guys NOT going on the group date? Pizza Mark and Speedo Mike! Or is it Pizza Mike and Speedo Mark? Crap. Whatever, that means they’re going on the two-on-one date — first instinct has Juan saying that the Pizza Guy is going home, most likely. Jillian is giving Kiptyn the rose, obviously. Officially feeling confident that he is the front runner. Jillian’s got the giggles! That’s a sign! She’s got the giddyness. And yes, I know, he does have a slightly girl voice. But I can look past it.
8:30 HURLING! Fun. Or CURLING? My hearing is messed up. Is the breakdancer going to be any good at this? It’s official. I hate Pilot Jake. He scares me. Despite what I said earlier, about him not being good in bed because of the neatness, I also think he could be the kind of guy who has a crazy collection of scat porn. So, whichever team wins the hurling/curling match gets the night time date. It’s obvious that the red team wins, because the red team contains Dave, Jake, and Jesse, all three of whom we could see in the preview are around in the evening. Jeez, ABC, get a little sneakier with the editing okay? Hurling/curling seems like my kind of sport, as it doesn’t seem to require any muscle power. Crap. My wine glass is getting reallllly low. So all the guys who are in the red team are all the dudes I suspected would be safe anyway — with the exception of Dave — so provided none of them mess up in the night date, they’ll all be fine. Tanner P. should be concerned. I feel for Breakdancer Mike. He seems sweet. Not ready for marriage, but adorable and kind. Coming up — PSYCHO DAVE F**KS HIMSELF. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I cannot WAIT for Wes to get called out.
8:43 Mmm, boats. I would love to own a boat. Part of my rich fantasies. Jesse is making his move in this episode. He could be the sleeper that makes his way into the final four with Ed and Kiptyn. I no longer think that Jake is in the final four. I think she is going to find there’s a lack of sexual chemistry with him. He reminds me of Tom Cruise and not in a good way. HAHAHA, Jake has been labeled as too perfect his “whole life.” SCARY. Maybe he should go out with Jessica Biel and the two can compare notes on how being perfect and beautiful has hindered them in life. Jesse is makin’ his move! Goin’ in for the kiss!
8:49 Oh lord, Jake is talking about being perfect still and Dave has decided he is a “bad boy.” Please. You’re just an a**hole dude. And now he is talking about how hot she is in spandex and how amazing her ass is. Now, not to be all judgey, but I am pretty sure Psycho Dave is a bit of an alcoholic, in that he drinks too much when he does drink. Also, what swear word did he say? P**sy? C*nt? Also, is he basically calling her a kissing slut? I mean, she is one, and so am I, and that totes cool, but what a dumb s**t. GO HOME PSYCHO DAVE. Also, he just kind of sort of tried to touch her boobs under the guise of fixing her shirt. And he actually thinks she likes him and now is trying to “challenge” him. What an effing douche. Yay! Jesse got the group date rose! So Psycho Dave is the kind of guy who you are always going to have to wake up to bring to bed after he passes out drunk on the couch. I can tell.
8:57 Tag team date time for Pizza Mark and Speedo Mike. What if Jillian really likes them both more than some of the other guys? HAHA, I thought it said they were going to Grease Mountain, which is appropriate for Mike. Pizza Mark needs to take it up a notch. He’s barely said a word. He’s also a little slack jawed. I wonder if Jillian can choose to give neither of them a rose…
9:07 Back on Grease Mountain. Jillin has no idea who gets a rose. Mike seems like he is TTH. And speaking of girly voices. Don’t like. Has she kissed either of these guys yet? It could come down to a kiss. Mike seems like he’s in a business meeting, pitching a client. It’s not very romantic. Yikes. Mike got a hug. Mark, on the other hand, has baggage and blood shot eyes. Will Jillian give him a kiss? I would give Mark the rose, and now because I love pizza. He seems genuine, if guarded. Who’s she gonna keep?! I can’t tell. Pizza Mark get the rose! So far so many of my early predictions are working out. Is there a more emasculating way for a guy to be sent home by the way than in a gondola? Ughhhh. This episode is too long.
9:21 Did Juan just called Jillian “Jilly”? That is kind of a hint that maybe he’s a spy, considering he has a nickname for her… Why does Jillian liked Reid so much? I’m not seeing it. Who’s going to rat out the guys with girlfriends? Reid? Eww, Wes makes me want to BARF. WHY is Jillian falling for it? ALSO, Jillian, I would DIE in a BAD WAY if a guy wrote me a song. Because there’s a very good chance it would suck, just as Wes’ song SUCKED. Okay, so according to Tanner P., Wes’ has a girlfriend back home he still “likes.” So, does that mean Wes has an EX back home he still cares for? Cause that is a little different than a guy who HAS a girlfriend. Not that I’m defending this loser. My toilet has more depth. UGH.
9:27 How many is she getting rid of? Only two? Jake is now emoting. He is just sooo preppy. I bet he doesn’t swear. I bet he says “fudge” and “darnit.” Juan is taking Jillian away now. For a little spy talk? Tanner says he’s gonna give her the scoop. I just wonder how much of a real scoop he has. Jillian genuinely looks freaked out cause she’s nibbling on her fingers. Who’s gonna man up? Man up! Man up! Haha, what a silly saying.
HOW IS THERE STILL 25 MINUTES LEFT?!?!?!?!
9:39 C’mon Chris Harrison — go out there and find out who’s got the girlfriend. No one lies to Chris Harrison. Lie detector tests!! Hello! Man up. Everyone drink. Chris Harrison looks mad. None of ‘em are saying s**t. Except Jake, who is saying he is pissed. Wow. Robby just called out the BS-ness of he and Breakdancer Mike not getting any time with Jillian. Ed just said he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Wes is claiming that too now! WTF? Tanner P. isn’t saying that he spread the rumor. Did he make it up? This is DRAMA, yo. Oh lord, now Psycho Dave is saying that Jillian should eliminate the person who was “snitchin’”. Oh Tanner P. You are really in deep crap now. Also, didn’t Tanner TELL a couple of the guys that he was going to tell Jillian? Like, what is going on with these p*ssies right now? This is what I am talking about when I write dudes being wimps these days. For the love of God, does one of these guys have a girlfriend or not?!
9:51 Tanner P. looks like he’s about to puke. Two people going home — see ya later Psycho Dave. The following are getting roses: Reid, Robby, Ed — good choices so far! — Breakdancer Mike, Wes — boooooooooooooooo! — Pilot Jake, and the last rose goes to…I’m hoping Juan….wait for it….the last rose goes to….TANNER. WTF? Actually, this is totally the proof I needed that Juan is the spy. Because, I mean, Juan is hot. PSYCHO DAVE’S ANGRY REIGN IS OVER! Okay, maybe Juan isn’t a spy. Whatever, you guy’s got me thinking he was a spy. How could she keep that wimp Tanner over Juan? Ugh. Also, Dave, you got the boot because you were yourself and yourself SUCKS ASS.
Okay, gonna call my final four: Kiptyn, Jesse, Ed, and Robby.