“Get Naked,” the sex and dating column in Time Out New York reaches a new level of gross this week. After the jump, columnist Jamie Bufalino introduces the term “peegasm” and explains how it’s perfectly normal for a man to slurp his own spunk like it’s chicken noodle soup. You may want to save this post for after you’re done with your lunch.
Q: One beautiful spring afternoon, my boyfriend and I were at a picnic in Central Park with plenty of great wine, beer and food…but no bathrooms nearby. After around three hours of relaxing, my boyfriend and I were both more than a little anxious to use a restroom. So we went for a walk around the park to find one. Ten minutes passed, and we still had no luck…but now the situation was getting desperate. So we grabbed our stuff, and told our friends that we were going to head home. When we finally reached our apartment, we each dashed for one of two bathrooms. Orgasmic moans ensue, and 30 seconds later, I yell, “This is almost as great as sex! I’m still going!” “Me too!” my boyfriend screams. “I can barely stand up.” Immediately after, we hit the sack for some of the best sex we had ever had. Over the next few days, we tried to think of ways we might be able to repeat or improve this awesome experience. At last, we came up with a brilliant idea. One of the drawbacks of our bladder-draining ecstasy was that we were away from each other in different bathrooms. Our solution: adult diapers. We ordered a pack of designer diapers online and developed the steps to have what we call a “peegasm.” The first step is to drink to the point where you and your partner have seriously full bladders…then you drink just a little more. Next, you strip down to your birthday suits and help each other put on diapers. Then you jump on the bed, latch on to your partner in your favorite cuddling position…and both completely let go! As you caress your partner, you are overcome by the joy of relieving your bladder, seriously aroused by the warm fluid oozing over your sensitive parts, and you feel naughty as all hell for absolutely peeing yourself. After the peegasm finishes, you continue to make out with your partner until you are thoroughly turned on. Finally, you tear off the diapers, quickly wipe off and get it on the traditional way in search of orgasm No. 2.
While this isn’t really a question, Jamie helpfully points out that the pee-couple may enjoy pissing and sloshing and screwing in a nice, soapy bubble bath! It’s too gross for him, he’s careful to point out, but it might be a better alternative to donning diapers in bed. I don’t know about you, but I’ll save my “peegasms” for solo trips to the loo after too much beer and a longer-than-necessary wait in line.
The next letter amps the ‘ick’ factor tenfold, but it’s Jamie’s response that’s particularly disturbing:
Q: Let me start by saying I feel mortified just by telling this story. So here goes: I was fooling around with this guy, but I’m not into giving oral or going all the way until I’m sure they’re worth it. Anyway, he took it upon himself to start masturbating. No biggie; my stomach became his own personal come rag. Now to the finale, when he finished…ugh, I hate this part of the story…he ate his come. Yes, it’s true, like it was chicken noodle soup—every last drop! And he proceeded to say, “It’s a good source of protein!” I was completely in shock! Needless to say I never saw him again. I talked to another girl he was previously with and he did the same thing with her! I’m all about trying new things, but eating your own spooge? Really?
A: Sheesh, and I thought I was persnickety. What’s the big deal? Granted, it’s usually not the load blower who laps up his own jizz, but it’s not like the ingesting of come is some kind of freak act. I have news for you: At the risk of being too self-revelatory, I’d wager that every guy has tasted his own spooge at some point in his life. It’s the curiosity, not the protein, that’s just sooo irresistible. Perhaps this guy went a little overboard by lapping up every last drop, but I certainly don’t think he deserved that “Needless to say I never saw him again” line. Obviously, if you weren’t comfortable with what he did, then of course I get why you dropped him faster than a loaded diaper, but I just don’t want you thinking (and spreading the word) that he’s some kind of crazed sex fiend.
Usually, I’m pretty on-board with Jamie’s advice, but I wonder if he suffered some sort of lobotomy before replying to this letter. What’s the big deal, he asks? What’s the big deal?? Um, the guy slurped every last drop of his spooge off a girl’s stomach like it was chicken noodle soup, that’s what’s the big deal! This isn’t some kind of minor taste-test a guy might do in complete privacy and then never speak of again, this is making lunch of one’s spunk and using his date as a plate!! Please, please tell me none of you have ever experienced anything so gross in bed. [via TONY]