How To Hook Up At A Wedding

Getting laid at a wedding is even easier than getting drunk at one. While holding onto Johnny Walker is a good time, you can get your rocks off, too. The key elements are there: dudes are lookin’ their finest, love is in the air, and you definitely wore cute underwear (unless you’re wearing Spanx to fit into your dress). Hey, the bride and groom shouldn’t get to have all the fun! So here’s how you can get a piece… of cake at a wedding.

  1. Go Stag: OK, so I know I made a big deal about getting a “plus one,” but if there’s a man, even a gay man, within two feet of you, you look taken. So, listen to Wendy: spread your wings and fly solo.
  2. Open Legs Bar: Hit the bar and loosen up. It’s best if you’re strategic about it. Go when you spot a cutie headed that way. Or, if you can hang out there, just prop yourself up, plant a smile on your face, and wait for someone waiting for their drink to strike up a convo. By the way, you hungry, hungry hippos, this strategy totally fails at the buffet table. Don’t hover over the food or it’s the only thing you’ll have inside you all night.
  3. Grin And Bear It: No matter what ceremonial cheese-ball moment is going on — or whose grandma is yakking your ear off — be sure you have a smile on your face. The key to attracting anyone is to look approachable. So, uncross those arms and turn that frown upside down. Oh yeah, and whatever you do, do NOT cry. It will scare a guy off faster than you can say, “I couldn’t fit a hanky in this clutch.”
  4. Clean Up Nice: People get fancy for after-five affairs. Wear something appropriately sexy and then don’t fiddle with it. Spending the night pulling up your dress, readjusting boning, and touching up your makeup at the table will keep your more virginal than the bride’s white dress is pretending to be.
  5. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Hit the dance floor with your gal pals, but make sure you take breaks so dudes can approach you. The second worse thing to having a guy right next to you is having all your ladies around. Because after a man catches you shakin’ what your momma gave you, he’s sure going to want to make you sweat, too.
  6. The Early Bird Catches The Worm: Don’t procrastinate. Just like the bar scene, you don’t want to be the girl left hanging around at the end of the night still waiting to find someone. If you can hone in on your hottie at the rehearsal dinner, the sooner, the better.
  7. Love Is Blind: You have to be attracted to any dude you do, but bear in mind there are a finite number of available stallions at a wedding, and none is Brad Pitt. Your wedding hookup is not forever. If your goal is to get laid, you can’t try to get with everyone; stick with the guy who is giving you the most attention.
  8. Au De Desperation: Do not tell everyone you’re looking to meet someone that night. And don’t go thinking you’re going to meet your soul mate. There’s enough lovey-dovey bull at a wedding without you lying to yourself. Sure, we all know someone who fell for someone they met at a wedding, but if you go in thinking that’ll happen to you, you’re going to jinx yourself and put out a lame vibe. Let the love belong to people who are already in love — it is a wedding after all. You just be a charmer, a snake charmer.