Crushing, Vice-Style

Everyone thinks I’m an a-hole right now. Not because I’m trying to get everybody at Grandpa’s funeral to play Rock Band. No, I’m in love—and I can’t stop talking about it.

Butterflies in my stomach, stars in my eyes, I arrive at the office every morning with a new story about something adorable he’s done. We made waffles! We said the L-word! We talked about baby names! I told one of my co-workers about the love note he penned and five seconds in, she had stopped listening.

So I guffawed when I read Vice’s “Guide To Being Totally Crushed Out”, an alphabetized list of things we do when we’ve got a crush, from “Only Calling To Hear His Voice And Then Hanging Up,” to “Jerking Off About Her.”

And, of course, “Telling Everyone In The World”…


This is f**king stupid, but you do it anyway. Sometimes the obsession is too out-of-control, and once you’ve told one person you’re not really great friends with, you may as well tell them all. This might work because he likes you too and how would he have known if people hadn’t told him? It also may blow up in your face, because (and I know this is weird) sometimes a crush is best from afar and you don’t want it to be true. Like catching a lightning bug in a jar. Wait a minute, lightning bugs are cool to look at in a jar.

Okay, I think mooning about an obsessive crush from afar is a lot different from the kind of mooning you do when you’re in love…but honestly, it probably isn’t any less obnoxious to your friends. Check out the rest of the hilarious list here.