Stop Trying to Make Scrunchies Happen, American Apparel

We’ve kept silent while Dov Charney has screwed around with fashion.

We put up with the pervy advertisements.

We put up with Charney masturbating in front of a Jane reporter.

We put up with his numerous sexual harassment lawsuits.

We put up with the butt-baring tights.

We even put up with him messing with our main mensch, Woody Allen.

But we’re not going to take it anymore—the scrunchies must be stopped. Did American Apparel really need so many kinds of scrunchies? Gold lamé scrunchies. Flourescent scrunchies. Nautical scrunchies. One would have been more than enough, but 407 different kinds of scrunchies is just bratty.

And scrunchies are not a “throwback to every girl’s favorite ’80s accessory.” You’re bastardizing the ’80s, is what you’re doing. We only wore fluorescent scrunchies in 1989 because our mom bought our hair accessories for us then. From TJ Maxx. In the surburbs. And our moms are not cool.

Epic FAIL, Dov Charney.

It is resolved: anyone over the age of 7 caught wearing this demon hair accessory, you’re going straight to Look At This Bleeping Hipster without any dinner, young lady.