Whoo, it’s summer! What better time to curl up in the A.C. and catch some boob tube. While “Weeds” isn’t back until next week (boo!) and “Mad Men” ain’t comin’ round ‘til August (double boo!), we’re going to have to make do with reality shows and beefcake cheese. Luckily, there’s much of both to go around. This week, hot guys get chased by fireballs, chase whales, and heal people. Oh and some celebs are stuck in the jungle again.
The Show: “Burn Notice”
Set Your DVR For: USA, Thursday at 9pm (EST)
The Deal: After getting chased, blown up, and shot at last season, freelance spy Michael Weston is ready for another round of getting chased, blown up, and, uh, shot at. But hey, the weather is really, really nice and he gets to make out with many hot ladies, too, so who cares? This show is the television equivalent of a beach read—fast-paced, exciting, and yet it won’t occupy too many brain cells.
The Show: “Whale Wars”
Set Your DVR For: Animal Planet, Friday at 9 pm (EST)
The Deal: Get ready for some hair-raising harpooning in this real-life adventure show. Watch Captain Paul Watson and the rest of the Sea Shepherd crew on their high-speed, high-stakes mission to stop illegal whaling by any means necessary. It’s “The Real World” meets “Pirates of the Caribbean” with a touch of “Free Willy,” as a bunch of fishermen live in too-small quarters and have run-ins with rogue whalers.
The Show: “Royal Pains”
Set Your DVR For: USA, Thursday at 10pm (EST)
The Deal: A hot doc in the Hamptons makes house calls, makes out with housewives, and uses Macguyver maneuvers to heal the downtrodden, like bandaging wounds with duct tape and plastic bags. Aww. He might not be the kind of doctor my grandma wanted me to marry, but he sure is tasty for a summer fling!
The Show: “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here”
Set Your DVR For: NBC, Monday at 8pm
The Deal: This cross between “Survivor” and “The Surreal Life” is back for sloppy seconds, with such “celebrities” as Stephen Baldwin (the Christian Baldwin) and Sanjaya (man, I never cease to marvel at how little it takes to become a celebrity these days—funny hair? Really, all I needed was a funny haircut?). Spencer and Heidi stomp around sullenly (quote of the week: Heidi: “This resort sucks.” Spence: “Uh, understatement!”). News flash: It’s not a resort. It’s the jungle. Put specifically on earth so that the rest of America can make fun of you. Happy Honeymoon, kids! Too bad Blago couldn’t make it (because of his impending court dates), I would have wanted to see how his hair fared in the jungle heat. Instead, there’s also Janice Dickinson, so hopefully she’ll open a can of bitch-ass and spray it all over the newlyweds.