Liveblogging “The Bachelorette” For June 1st 2009

So sorry about last week ladies! I had every intention of liveblogging last week’s episode, but alas, my internet was out. And it STILL IS. But, because I am so dedicated to the two hours we share together every week, I am headed over to my friend’s apartment, where her wi-fi is fully operational. See ya at 8 pm EST!7:59 It’s good to be back, ladies. So I’m at my friend Lesley’s place, since Mercury Retrograde has completely effed my internet access. Luckily, Lesley (and her husband!) are big Bach fans. Wine has been poured! Let the games begin! After last week, who do you think is in the lead for Jillian’s heart? So Scary Dave goes “on a rampage” tonight. Very excited for that. He’s a TOOL.
8:03 I hope Kiptyn gets a one-on-one this episode. Oh I like Ed — he gets the first solo date. I like Ed because he’s hot in a goofy way. The perfect combo.
8:06 I don’t know that I would repel down a building for “The Bachelorette.” “Amazing Race,” maybe. Okay seriously, I would rather die. I mean, Jillian is more worth it than Papa Bach, but this is a pretty extreme date. Dude, I think Jillian is majorly crushing on Ed.
8:13 Also, I am kind of crushing on Ed. Wait, what does Ed do? Someone remind me. Ed looks like a good kisser. This show makes me want to make out. I was just reminded how much I hate Wes. His voice skeeves me out. It’s a tough call on who I hate more — Scary Dave or Cowboy Wes. Current faves — Ed and Kiptyn, for no good reason other than he is hot. Yay! Ed got a rose. I like him because he seems like a normal dude, whereas someone like Pilot Dave seems too perfect, like Patrick Bateman.
8:24 Y’all I just switched to “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here” and Heidi Montag’s face is looking shiny. Anyhoo. I am a little concerned that Hot Kiptyn hasn’t been getting solo dates. Is that because JIllian already knows she likes him so she’s trying to get to know the other dudes first, or if she considers him a throwaway. Why is Tanner P. still here? He is fugs. Oh my god, I forgot about Mark The Pizza Guy! He was one of my early faves. Eww, I bet Brad’s kiss sinks him. He looks like a bad kisser. And, look at that, he IS a bad kisser. Jillian, meanwhile, is a total kissing slut just like me. I love it. Kiss ‘em all Jillian. Eww. Robby is a major DUD. I want to barf. Eww, Robby, stop grabbing her ass. Also, Jillian, don’t fall for this crap.
8:32 Ughhhh, I hate Wes. His voice gives me the creepy crawlies. He’s got date rape face. And that facial hair. BARF. Why is Mike the Baseball Camp Owner still here? Oh wait, he was the one who ran into the ocean in a Speedo last episode. Okay, well, that got him this far. CUT!!! Um, is this “Brokeback Bachelorette”?
8:39 Are they doing kamakaze shots? That’s kind of weak. Again, why is Reid here? He is yet another dork flying under the radar. Eww, Reid is making me feel awkies. HAHA, I love that every time Juan comes onscreen, there’s a Spanish guitar playing. Juan creeps me out too. He kind of reminds me of Ralph Macchio from “The Karate Kid.” Psycho Scary Dave needs to stop taking steroids. He is obviously so hopped up on the testosterone. He is PSYCHO. Like, why would you be so obsessed with fighting with Juan? Yeah, he’s a dork, but chill. Sasha gets the next one-on-one. Sasha has a big head. Scary Psycho Dave is mad. As usual.
8:44 Okay, so I think it’s kind of cool that Jillian is so cool about Tanner’s foot fetish, but at the same time, EWW. Also, this is what I like to call DOUCHE SOUP — when all the guys are in the hot tub together. Brad is a wet blanket, also, does he have a herpe on his lip? Ugh, I hate so many of these dudes. They’re so lame.
8:52 ZOMG, is Jillian wearing a romper! A denim romper! She looks so cute! Haha, Jillian loves anything with a motor. Wait, is Sasha a photographer? These photos are stupid. Ooh, this is kind of a cool date, because driving a Ferrari would be funnnn. This date is coming off really boring, however. I think Sasha is a bit dull. He’s talking about his car accident. I’m yawning. Sadly, I think Jillian is going to give Sasha a rose.
9:03 Jillian and Sasha are having the dullest date ever. And ew, Wes is now singing some horrible song. Seriously Wes sings the same crap. Wes is so obviously on the show to promote his crap music. Oh man, maybe Sasha isn’t getting a rose! Because he hasn’t been in love? And she doesn’t want to be a unicorn or something? Whatever, he was a snooze. See ya Sasha!
9:08 Oh NO. NO. NO. Wes is serenading outside Jillian’s window. EWWWWW. WHY is Jillian falling for his crap? I mean, she seems so much smarter than that. Tanner P.’s foot fetish is about to get out of control.
9:17 Oh Reid. So wimpy. He finally got his kiss. And Jillian liked it. Jillian hasn’t met a kiss she didn’t like. Scary Psycho Dave is going to lose it soon. He’s a ticking time bomb. Oh man, Jillian is NOT liking Dave I don’t think. And he just let Juan swoop in and take Jillian away. Ughhhh, I am soooo over Tanner P’s feet nonsense. It’s getting gross. Like, put the boner away.
9:32 Dave is like a pot of water about to boil. And HA, Herpe Brad is about to rat out Dave for his rage. Dave really needs to settle, like, why doesn’t he just let Jillian make her own decisions? I mean, it’s pretty insulting to her, to act like she can’t see through someone’s BS. FINALLY, Kiptyn is getting some one-on-one time. Come on, Jillian, he’s hot and quiet and stays out of the drama. KEEP HIM. Uh oh, can’t decide if Kiptyn and Jillian’s kiss is hot or just weird and awkward?! Okay, has Dave been snorting Adderall or something? He is WIRED. Okay, so what is so disrespectful about NOT taking a shot? Dave is PSYCHOTIC. Okay, and the rest of these guys are saying they agree with Dave? HAHA, did anyone else see the random chick in the background? PA alert! Psycho Dave is delusional if he thinks that Jillian would LIKE the way he behaved. DELUSIONAL.
9:45 Why are we feeling sorry for Dave? The guy is threatening another contestant. I think Juan is totally safe. Potentially Reid too. Only two are going home? I think Brad and Dave. Or Dave and Tanner. I mean, if Dave doesn’t go home, I’ll flip. The guy is ANGRY.
9:54 ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!! The following get roses: Jake The Pilot, Reid (hmm, his place in the selection makes me intrigued), Mark The Pizza Guy, Jesse The Wine Guy, Tanner P The Foot Fetishist (okay, I think Jillian must be hiding a fetish of her own), Wes (ughhhhhh), Hola Juan, Michael The Breakdancer, KIptyn, Speedo Mike, and….Dave. PSYCHO EFFING DAVE. Sigh. I get that he’s good for TV, but he’s such a loser. Also, he’s wasted. And he’s crushing her. Tanner F and Herpe Brad are going home. Yawn. Ewww, Brad is gross. Oooooh, things get hot between Kiptyn and Jillian. And Dave gets dissed! And some of the guys have girlfriends?!?!?!?!