Why Do Women…? Part Deux!

Last week the site Truth Merchants posted a long article that shed light on some of the many things that confuse women about men. (Don’t understand why guys ask for your phone number only to text or email, never call you? Check out the article for an explanation.). We figured there were probably just as many men who are as confused by women’s behavior as we are by theirs, so we asked a bunch of guys what they’d like answered about us and our inbox was flooded with questions. Wednesday I answered 10 of those questions; after the jump, I tackle 10 more — email the answers to your boyfriends, brothers, or anyone you think would benefit from a little insight into the female psyche. 1. What’s the deal with Oprah worship?

I have to admit — three or four years ago I was asking the same question, but since then something has changed. I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is about her, but I think it’s a combination of the great guests she gets her show, the good articles she publishes in her magazine, and the undeniable power she has to make things happen. Plus, she looks like she smells really good.

2. To crib “When Harry Met Sally,” do women really have platonic male friends? I personally think this is crap and live under the assumption that every single male friend my girlfriends have would sleep with them if they could. It’s not a jealousy thing, it’s just reality.

Let’s assume you’re right and that every male friend you girlfriend has wants to sleep with her. The bigger question would then be: is it possible for men and women to be platonic friends if one wants to sleep with the other? The answer is ‘yes’ — just as it’s possible for men and women who may be sexually attracted to each other in the workplace to maintain strictly professional relationships. If every adult acted on every sexual impulse he or she may have, there’d be an awful lot of f**king going on, no? Luckily, mature adults know how to keep it in their pants and respect one another’s boundaries. And because of that respect, male-female friendships can be deeply rewarding relationships that provide unique insight and perspective that often help make our romantic relationships even stronger. So don’t be jealous of your girlfriend’s platonic guy friends — be grateful. After all, you’re the one who gets to go home with her.

3. It’s a first date with a guy you’re excited to go out with. Describe your prep. What do you do? What areas do you take care of? How long does getting ready take?

Every woman spends exactly 23 minutes showering, making sure to shave her legs, underarms and bikini area. She then spends 11 1/2 minutes applying makeup, 7 minutes getting dressed, and 13 minutes doing her hair. Just before she meets up with the guy, she pops 1 Breathsaver mint and 3 tic-tacs, pinches her cheeks, and fluffs her hair for exactly 6 seconds. If a woman deviates from this schedule in the slightest, the date will be a disaster and the world will spin of its axis. It’s written in our special code book.

4. How long after meeting a man do you know if you’re going to sleep with him?

There’s a mathematical equation for this question that goes something like this: how long it’s been since we got laid + how horny we are – how interested we are in pursuing a relationship with him – how many of his friends we’ve slept with – how many of our friends he’s slept with + how cute he is + whether he’s wearing a uniform + how much we’ve had to drink + whether we’re on vacation = usually within the first few minutes of meeting a guy, we know not only whether we’ll end up sleeping with him, but when.

5. Women tell their girlfriends everything, don’t they? Ev-er-y-th-i-ng?

Yeah, pretty much.

6. Women cry. Why don’t they like it when I cry?

It’s all about timing. Cry when your dog dies, and we’ll want to comfort you. Cry when your team loses, and we’ll roll our eyes. Cry after sex, and you’ll likely be sleeping alone for a while. We want to see your vulnerable side, we just don’t want you to be creepy about it.

7. Why is it that when a woman’s having a problem, and is distraught by it, she doesn’t so much want help as someone to listen? Men get told that all the time, but I still don’t understand: why not let us help?

We’re not opposed to letting you help, but when we initially have a problem, the biggest assistance you can provide is letting us talk it out first without any commentary. A big part of our problem-solving process is talking through our problems, so your listening is helping us, whether you think it is or not. If you find that we keep talking about the same problem over and over without ever changing our behavior, it’s totally appropriate for you to offer more proactive suggestions and advice. It also never hurts to ask: “Do you want my advice?” before offering it up. But be prepared to honor our reply.

8. Why do women judge dudes solely on their shoes?

You’re dealing with the wrong women.

9. Why do women become stand-offish one moment, and then when you give them they’re space, they get upset?”

Hormones! I know it sounds like a lame excuse, but hormones are very real and make us really crazy. The only consolation I can offer is: as bad as it is for you when we behave that way — and bless you for putting up with it — it’s about 100 times worse in our own heads. Luckily, chocolate, flowers and a home-cooked meal from you go a long way in easing the tension. And hopefully a woman only acts this way a few hours a month — if it’s any more than that on a regular basis, there may be deeper problems that deserve attention.

10. Why do women put so much stock in dreams and/or astrology?

It’s fun, it gives us something to do, and it’s a brief distraction from life’s more serious problems and challenges. Plus, there’s totally divine truth in all of it!