Doin’ It With Dr. V: Questioning The Queef
Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily lead me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. And please, if you have a question, email me. You know I love to read your smut too! Now, let’s get this party started.
This week, I got a letter from a gal who’s been making a lot of noise in bed….involuntarily. In her freestylin’ naked time, she’s become her own queef beat box. Pfft, pfbtbtbt, pfft. But unfortunately, it’s messing up the sexy flow with her boyfriend. So, I’m going to give this hottie a helping hand on how to play off and prevent a vag fart.
“I can’t stop queefing when I have sex with my BF. It has happened before a few times with other men, but with this guy, it’s EVERY TIME. It’s so awkward. The sex is good, but there’s no recovering from a fart of any kind. I’m sick of explaining that the noise was just from my vag. It’s happening so much, I don’t think he believes me. What am I doing wrong?”
Actually, you’re doing everything right. Before you go dissing your toots, hear this: the hotter, harder and more playful positions you get in, the more likely you are to queef.
Now, a queef is caused by the air that gets sucked into a place that usually doesn’t have any. Your vagina is not a wind tunnel, you know? When you change your body position, a gap in your own gap can cause your vagina to vacuum up air. When something besides the air, like your boyfriend’s penis, wants to take up space inside you, well, it pushes the air out and that’s the funky sound you hear.
When you do let one rip, there’s only one thing to do: laugh! Don’t get try to play it off like it didn’t happen if his face is giving you the “Did you just fart on my dick?” look. Feel free to be funny and admit it was your hoo-ha honking at him. I’ve found in these situations, dirty talking something like, “You’re doing me so hard…” only makes an awkward situation weirder.
Look, queefs happen. But here are some tips to help prevent them as best you can:
- Take It Real Slow:Take some time slipping his dick in. Don’t just hop on in.
- Stay In: When changing positions, don’t pull out. Keep it in deep. But be careful with his peen, you don’t want to break it!
- Heads Up: Avoid any position where your legs and hips are in the air…yeah good luck with that. Handstands or upside down bicycle peddling is good exercise, but bad for queefage.
- Dog Pound: The only doggystyle you wanna make some noise for is Snoop Dogg’s record. Sadly, but truly, the position you will most likely queef from is when you get down on all fours with your ass up, head down, and legs spread. Ugh, puh-lease, Dr. V wouldn’t give this deep dickin’ position up for anything. I say, queef proudly and loudly! But don’t say I didn’t warn you.