Back in the third grade, my best friend Jess and I were obsessed with the movie “Clue.” We watched the video every day after school and knew all three endings backwards and forwards, mostly because we were obsessed with Tim Curry and Michael McKean. Turns out that Jess and I weren’t the only fanatics—the movie is being remade by none other than Gore Verbinski, the CGI genius who turned a corny theme park attraction into the megazillion dollar “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise. Will Colonel Mustard, with a pipe, in the billiard room, be our new Jack Sparrow? Yes please!
We love our “Clue,” but the game is pretty unique: it’s already plot-oriented, it has glam characters (Miss Scarlett! Mr. Plum!), and a creepy mansion setting. But we’re a little dubious about these other board games that are being turned into movies. Seriously—flicks based on Monopoly, Candy Land, Battleship, and Ouija?
- Monopoly: Perfect for our bankrupt times — an adaptation of Monopoly directed by Ridley Scott. Did the folks at Universal miss that “Blade Runner” is about a post-apocalyptic dystopia in which soulless zombie robots take over for real people? Or are today’s zombie robots the capitalist prigs who played real-life Monopoly with our actual money? Because those folks should go directly to Jail. Do not pass go. You will not collect my hard earned money at the box office. [Popwatch]
- Ouija: Produced by Brad Fuller, the guy behind remakes of “Amityville Horror” and “Friday the 13th,” this one is supposed to be a “Pirates”-style action adventure. In which each gross-out attack is spelled letter by letter? Sounds more like a spelling bee than an adventure flick. [Slash Film]
- Candy Land: Here’s an original idea: a kid’s pic in a world made of candy! Wait, didn’t we already see this one? Wasn’t it called “Willy Wonka” and something? Actually, didn’t we already see this twice? Instead of a creepy, not-totally-for-kids spin, this one is made by the dude who brought you “Enchanted.” Which means it will probs give you as many cavities as a car made of lollipops. [Cinematical]
- Battleship: Finally, a game with potential. Err, at least this one has action? War on the high seas, Cold War tensions—so what if the actual game involves teensy gray plastic things getting poked with itty bitty red and yellow sticks? This flick will be directed by Peter Berg, whose “Friday Night Lights” has made me love football. As long as no one in the movies says, “You sank my battleship,” we’ll be happy [Popwatch]
But really, people, what’s next? “The Yahtzee Casino Heist”? “Scrabble Serial Killer”? “UNO,” starring Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal? Actually, that’s one I would shell out 11 bucks for, provided there’s guy-on-guy action.