Five Things I Learned From Last Night’s “Real Housewives Of New Jersey”

We took yet another trip down the Garden State Parkway last night with Caroline, Dina, Danielle, Teresa and Jacqueline—and although I think this episode was more of a precursor to next weeks Danielle bombshell, it served up the usual nutzo Jersey fare. Here are the five gems (as I see it) from last night’s hour:

  1. “Nether-regions” is so yesterday. Two amazing new terms for one’s bits, courtesy of Caroline’s wax-adverse daughter: Chuckies and pee-pees. From now on, I will include them in every new post. Chucky! Pee-pee! Chucky, chucky, chucky!
  2. You fail history and geometry, you get a new limited edition, fully-loaded car! I mean you’ve got to pull up to summer school in style, right?
  3. Watching people get Botox is more painful than getting it yourself. Did anyone else find that whole “spa party” scene creepy? You know what’s also creep-town? Dina’s hairless cat. And her rooster collection. And little girls making sexy-face at the camera—I don’t care if she’s wearing pigtails or not.
  4. Wine coolers! Gorgeous trendsetters that they are, the ladies are bringing it back Jerz style! Whether it’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade or old-school fruity concoctions, malted beverages are this summer’s new BBQ drink of choice. Don’t worry, they won’t give you a hangover. Yeah. Right.
  5. Without Danielle-drama this show would be about…well, not much. You can loathe the woman for the too-intense 26-year-old-balding-boyfriend convos, getting her face shot up with Botox, stripping, husband-stealing, whatever, at least the chick ain’t boring.