Recapping “The Bachelorette” Since Liveblogging Just Didn’t Happen

So, last night my internet was down, hence my usual “Bachelorette” liveblog didn’t happen. I’m sorry. But I did watch and boy, was this episode a good one! Jillian continued to make excellent fashion choices — was that yellow cardigan from Madewell?! — but also exhibited an inexplicable obsession with a honky tonk lifestyle I did not think they grew in Canada. For starters, she’s got a thing for Wes, the country crooner with the icky facial hair and exaggerated accent. He won the first one-on-one date in which he and Jillian enjoyed a romantic dinner in a locked bank vault. No joke. He then made enemies as he totally c**k-blocked every other dude’s chance at one-on-one time, despite being awarded an early rose. Douche!

Jillian handpicked Serial Killer/Pilot Jake for the second one-on-one date. She showed up in a hot rod car, red boots, and fringed dress, which sounds hideous but actually looked pretty cute. She took Jake to get him outfitted in Western wear, because, again, Jillian is totally obsessed with the honky tonk, and then she got up on a bar and did the whole Coyote Ugly two step nonsense. The only thing that saved her for me during this scene was her telling Jake not to look up her skirt. That was funny. Later they slow danced while Martina McBride sang for them and, I swear, I thought Jake was going to squeeze a perfect tear out of his serial killer eyes. He got an early rose too.

On her group date with a bunch of the fellas, Jillian took them to play basketball (against the Harlem Globetrotters!) and it became clear that all the jocks in the house hate Juan, because he likes poetry. David hates him especially. Now, I am not a Juan fan, because I think he is a total cheeseball, but David has major anger issues. At one point he said he wanted to tie Juan to a tree and beat him up, because Juan violated “man code.” I’m sorry, but is it manly to fight someone who is tied to a tree? I don’t think so. Then some guy who totally would have gone home had he not stripped down to a Speedo and ran into the ocean won the third early rose. Later on, one of the other guys tried to up the ante by going for a dip naked, but the shrinkage and the general ick factor of doing that got him sent home.

So, the last thing of interest that happened is that Chris Harrison had all the guys vote on who they wanted to be sent home — and basically everyone voted for Juan. Then Jillian had to choose whether to keep him or send him packing, and because Jillian is rad and knows better than to trust a bunch of meatheads ganging up on the lone “intellectual” guy, Juan got the fourth early rose. I hoped that this would also mean that Jillian saw what a complete and total mega-douche David was, but alas, he got a rose in the end. The four sent packing, honestly, I had never noticed before, so I am not going to bother to name them. Oh. except Simon, the creepy, tall, Lurch-like British guy. He seemed sweet, but no one could understand a word he says. So far, most of my early picks for the final four are in it, but I still think the final two is going to come down to Kiptyn and Serial Killer Jake.