I consider myself a lucky gal. When I go shopping, I always find something amazing, on sale, in my size. My FriskyScopes are always freakishly dead on, and Kiki sends them to me in advance. I’ve got great friends, a wonderful family, and the best dog in the world. Oh, and I’ve never encountered a truly freakish wang in all my years of boning — unless you count the guy whose balls were so ginormous that they dwarfed his average-sized member. After the jump, the ladies share their experiences with the many varieties of penes. (That’s the plural form of penis, dick lovers!).
”In the 20 or so penises (penii? [See above. -- Editor]) I have encountered, I’d have to say the most difficult to understand was the uncircumcised one…everything I thought I knew about BJs and hand jobs went out the window because it was too aggressive with a sensitive foreskin. It was the first time I’d literally heard, ‘Ah! Gently! Slow down!’ when I’d hardly touched it.”
”When hard, pointed straight down.”
”The first time I saw an uncircumcised one I was totally creeped out. Like, what’s that … STUFF around his … THING? I was home from college, in the driver’s seat of my dad’s Volvo and at that point I think I’d only seen maybe three or four dicks in my life, all cut. Once it got hard I recognized it as the penis I knew and loved though.”
”I dated a dude with a prominent freckle on his sizable dong in college. Somehow it did not endear his wang to me. Admiring freckles on a cute kid is one thing, but admiring it when it’s threatening to break your back teeth is quite another.”
”The most memorably ‘weird’ dick was very noticeably curved DOWNWARD and slightly to the left, and it belonged to a lovely British chap I was banging for a few months. It looked a little funny, but was very useful in conquering the elusive g-spot. Ah, memories!”
”Two words: Baby Budweiser. Like, have you ever seen those extra short, squat mini-beer cans? Very disturbing!”
”They all blend together. Except the tiny one. The teeny, teeny, tiny one.”
“It had a curve to the right, which I knew from other experiences wasn’t a problem. But he had genital warts in his bikini area and hadn’t gotten them removed, so they formed these like anthills, which he tried to hide by growing his pubes. Anyway, when I saw that, I ran far, far away.”
”I went on a date with this Westpoint guy and he had the smallest penis that curled up on his stomach, kind of like a pig’s curly tail.”
So ‘fess up — what’s the most, um, shocking, oddly shaped, or plain ol’ special penis you’ve met?