Archie Will Finally Choose Between Betty And Veronica

As a well-known and unashamed longtime reader of Archie comics, people have been forwarding this link to me all day long. “Archie is FINALLY going to choose! Between Betty or Veronica! Who will he marry?” Archie editor Victor Gorelick says his office is on lockdown until the revealing issue comes out in August, but let me go ahead and spoil this for you.For starters, this is a marketing ploy to get people (who are not me) to read Archie again. They tried this same tactic a few years ago with “The Love Showdown,” in which Betty and Veronica finally forced the ginger-haired one to choose between them both. And who did he go with? Cheryl Blossom, the snobby, redheaded Pembroke Academy transfer, thus bonding Betty and Veronica in their new quest to oust this conniving bitch and forget their squabbles over the checker-head for a while. We had to deal with Cheryl for about a year or two, but they eventually managed to squash her and free up their own little love triangle once more.

But something’s been happening to Riverdale as of late. The editors have made the female characters stronger, wiser, and more feminist than they ever were before. It used to be that Betty would rush to bake Archie cookies, then cry as she does his math homework while he squires Ron to fancy restaurants. These days, Betty sometimes even dates hottie Adam, making Archie jealous.

Most readers probably HOPE he chooses Betty. She’s smart, sweet, perky, athletic, cute, can cook, and adores Archie with all her heart. She deserves it! She’s the best! But my guess is she’s becoming too smart for him these days. Five years from now, Betty will either be in politics, a famous journalist, or working with Doctors Without Borders delivering HIV medication to African refugees. In short, she’s simply going to be too good for a simpleton like Archie, who will likely be working in sales at Pfizer in an office park somewhere off the highway.

Ronnie, though beautiful and spoiled, does not lack for brains. She’s inherited her father’s knack for business and in five years will no doubt be on the board of Lodge Enterprises, amassing a fortune of her own. She will not have the time to sit on the patio sipping lemonade, raising Little Archies and dealing with permanent houseguest Jughead. My theory is that Archie will have a third option, a la Cheryl Blossom, or he ask Veronica. She’ll turn him down because she’s too busy boning Prince Igor from Transylvania and yachting around Cannes. Then he’ll ask Betty, who will also turn him down.

Even 1950s-style comic books can get with the times. If only we could get Jughead to come out of the closet and have professional baseball player Moose busted for steroids, we’d be right on the money.