Recapping “Gossip Girl”: The Goodbye Gossip Girl

Our usual “Gossip Girl” recapper, Sara B., is off this week, so Simcha stepped in to analyze the season finale’s style.

Finale, it has happened to me! Last night was the last episode of “Gossip Girl.” As if the writing hasn’t already gotten patchy (honestly, if “GG” was hackable, why wouldn’t you delete the rumors you didn’t want published?), now they’re heading into the dreaded college years. Sigh. On the upside, the death knell was the hot jam “Zero” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. But while the teens may have graduated high school, there were some major fashion fails on the show. Like Serena lazily tacking her tassel into her hair. WTF? So, let’s rich bitch it up together, shall we?

  1. Blinded By The Light Of Gold And Yellow Neon: As if Blair’s two episodes of green-and-gold-dress-with-yellow-neon-jacket combo wasn’t bad enough, last night she wore a metallic gold silk top with a neon yellow beaded cardi, paired with a twill brown-printed skirt. Um, we couldn’t believe dapper Chuck would have told her he loved her in a getup like that! We’re actually surprised he didn’t say, “Ack, my eyes!”
  2. You’re A Boob: So, this past season Serena came back with major titties. Guess she developed over the summer — and by developed we mean bought herself a set (not that we can blame her for raking or racking it in.) But, she still doesn’t know how to dress for her knockers. First off, get that gal a bra! Secondly, the ridonks necklines they’re putting her in aren’t doing her any favors. No way should a busty gal be in a bib dress with a halter that V’s out from the ta-ta’s. Nor should you wear a sleeveless high-neck dress that looks like some serious side boob is going to flop out at any time. Danger! Honestly, why get implants if you’re gonna block your cleave?
  3. Chocolate Brown Nails For Spring: Come on now, save that color for the fall. This is the Upper East Side, after all. No posh princess is goth enough on that show to get her nails done nearly black when flowers are blooming. Especially not the Queen B! When she was grabbing Chuck’s face with her dark nubbins in mid-May, it made us want to say some Hail Marys for her crimes against seasonal fashion.

OK, fine, “GG” wasn’t all bad. Obvi. It’s a show we love to hate and hate to love. So, here are the looks from last night that we were coppin’ a feel on:

  1. Double Your Necklace, Double Your Fun: Vanessa, B, Jenny and those three evil step-trolls all wore big necklaces paired with long chains. Hotness! Even if you’re a skanky rumor spreader.
  2. Dangly Earrings With Chokers: They’re bringing sexy (circa-1993) back, and we likes it! From Jenny’s huge dangle pearl diamond, to Vanessa’s turquoise stunners, to even Eleanor Waldorf’s vines, no matter your age, style, or necklace, you gotta have big ol’ drop earrings!
  3. Not Your Average Colors: Spring always gets flower-power prints and colors, but the ones on “GG” weren’t sweet like bitty liberty prints. These blossoms were giant distorted petals in vibrant colors: Blair had a tank top in hot pink and cream, Vanessa did up a green, blue and pink print dress, and even one of the mean girls sported a purple, blue and white floral neck tie. Sure, Blair told her, “Take off that scarf you can see it from space.” But she was just jealous, of course.