Liveblogging “The Real Housewives Of New Jersey”

I may have missed liveblogging last week’s episode, but I’ve since caught up with my watching, and, dudes, this s**t is awesome. Dina’s lips are so glossy. Teresa’s hair is so big, and her bubbies are so small. And Caroline. Oh, Caroline. The mama of the group. This show is like that terrible TV movie “La Bella Mafia,” only, well, not as awesome.Y’all. I must confess, I am starting this liveblog tipsy. To help me, I have enlisted my good friend, John DeVore. Unfortunately, he is likely drinking, too. Will Teresa get her bubbies this episode? I hope so. This sh*t is GHETTO. I love it. DeVore will be commenting during the commercial breaks.

JD: Why are they all dressed in black? Is New Jersey a permanent cocktail party? Is there a lot of death in The Garden State?

AMP: Jacqueline looks like she’s 15. How old is her damn daughter? Also, Danielle’s tan lines are distracting. Teresa The Bubbieless is a total monster stage mom. Teresa violates everything I believe in. ZOMG, Teresa daughter is going to be in a movie with The Rock, maybe?! My friend just said about Danielle, “She reminds me of the C(o)untess, only cheaper looking.” Which is so true. She also just asked, “Why do all people from New Jersey look Italian.” And then she commented, “If you are above the age of 16, you should not be wearing an off the shoulder top.” FYI, Teresa’s French Chateau look is just plain ol’ tacky.

JD: Holy Zeus. I can’t watch this. Can I go to the bar now?

AMP: No.

JD: Why am I watching this? Do I get a blowjob for watching this?

AMP: Yes, from one of the housewives. I will call them now.

JD: First of all, the French loooove onyx.

AMP: This s**t looks tacky.

JD: Teresa is hot. I find myself strangely attracted to Jersey girls. I don’t know why. Maybe because I grew up in the South, and these women seem… exotic. I thought women like this were largely mythological, like leprechauns. Teresa worries me, though. Because she doesn’t have children, she has accessories. And it makes me sad their splayed out on TV, because it makes me want to play the game “Who grows up to be the cokehead, the cutter, and the one who marries the tennis coach.”

AMP: Wow. That was deep.

JD: Can I stop now? IT’S NOT ROME. The other two are loathsome, Broken Mommy and Hawkface. I’m going to the bar. I’m a man, dammit.

AMP: So there’s a fight happening. Who is fighting?

JD: Why do the Real Houswives of New Jersey have better tans than the Real Housewives of Orange County?

AMP: My friend is offended by Jaq’s white dress. She think she’s too heavy for it. QUOTE: “I don’t wear white shoes because I think I am too fat.” She also thinks that Dina looks like a Jersey version of Cheryl Hines, from “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

JD: Dina is hot. Trashy and classy. Trassy. Clashy. I don’t know. I don’t dislike Danielle. She just wants a friend. I rue the day I ever told my guy friends I write for you.

AMP: BWAHAHAHAHA. Caroline’s oldest lawyer son is hot.

JD: INCLUDE THE MARBLE JOKE DAMMIT. Seriously. You’re castrating me.

AMP: What? Also, can I be the best Lauren Manzo there is? We’re only 20 minutes in. Sweet Christ.

JD: Did I just watch the most normal family dinner in Real Housewives history?

AMP: That was more normal than any family dinner I’ve had.

JD: Caroline’s family seems strangely well adjusted? I’m sure she’s a ball busting crone and her progeny are listless, entitled zombie douches. But like, I wouldn’t mind sitting down and hanging out with that brood. They seem fun. Now let’s get back to Danielle. ALL OF JERSEY DROPPED HER. She needs a friend. Boo. (I love you Dina.) Am I destroying every last shred of a chance of dating someone in NYC now, because of this liveblogging s**t?

AMP: Oh dude, get over it. Chicks love a guy who liveblogs reality TV. FACT.

JD: Amelia, I hate stage mommies.

AMP: I am your stage mommy.

JD: Wow. HAHAHAHA.

AMP: WORK IT BITCH. Lauren Manzo is a slacker. Albie is the sexy effing lawyer bitch.

JD: Caroline’s sons crack my shit up. Also: everyone at their house uses red beer bong cups. Awesome.

AMP: Which son? The lawyer or the strip club/car wash douche?

JD: Both.

AMP: GOD FORBID DANIELLE GETS A JOB. ALSO, Jaq is 38?!??!?!?! How is that possible?! She looks 25!

JD: Evil ex-husbands and moments of housewife vulnerability? Miscarriages? WTF? These signs of humanity are taking all the fun away!

AMP: She has huge tits. Also, she looks younger than me.

JD: So far, Theresa is the villain. The raven-haired, smoky eyed, olive-skinned, totally bangable villain. I have a sudden soft spot for Danielle and Caroline. Jesus. What have I become?

AMP: A shadow of your former self.

JD: How about this, okay? how about you kill the rome reference and the marble reference, because you are drunk, and they make no sense. Deal?

AMP: No. Dina’s hairless cats make me ill.

JD: PENIS CAT!!!!!

AMP: This assistant of Dina’s is hot. Danielle is turning her daughters into workout freaks. Danielle’s eyebrows look so…surprised. Danielle’s date does NOT look 26. He looks 35. His bald spot is older than my grandmother. Also Danielle’s body is smokin’, but she is dressed like 13-year-old sneaking off to prom with her high school boyfriend.

JD: Dude, he’s notlying. Forty and balding and saying you’re “32″ — that’s a lie.

AMP: Danielle’s dress offends me.

JD: I love you.

AMP: Word. The ladies are really into kimono dresses. That mean kimono dresses are OUT y’all. I love Dina. Dina is the silent ruler.

JD: I’m bored.

AMP: I am wasted. Wasted with a capital WASTE.

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